In this engaging episode of "Love Unboxed," host Dr. Colleen dives deep into the commonly misunderstood phrase, "Relationships are a lot of work." She shares her personal insights and professional experiences to reframe this idea, emphasizing that while sustainable relationships can require effort, it's essential to recognize when that work is productive versus when it leads to distress. By the end of the episode, audiences are left with actionable insights and a clearer perspective on fostering healthy, sustainable relationships. Listeners are invited to engage with the show by submitting questions or sharing their thoughts at loveunboxpodcast.com. Join Dr. Colleen in this hopeful exploration of love, and let's keep the conversation alive!
Love Unboxed Podcast - Season 1, Ep. 2 : “Reframing the Myth of Relationship Work”
In this enlightening episode of Love Unboxed, host Dr. Colleen explores the commonly misunderstood phrase, “Relationships are a lot of work.” Drawing from her experience as a licensed marriage & family therapist & psychologist, she unpacks how this belief can lead to distress in relationships and offers a powerful reframe: “A sustainable relationship can be a lot of work at very specific times during its lifespan.” Dr. Colleen provides insight into navigating relationship challenges through the stories of two couples, Jenny & Tom and Jerry & Cindy, illustrating the importance of setting boundaries and recognizing red flags.
**Key Points:**
- The common misconception that all relationships should be difficult and require constant effort is addressed.
- Understanding the difference between healthy relationship work and ineffective coping strategies.
- Importance of the honeymoon phase and how it sets the foundation of a relationship.
- Insights on recognizing red flags that are not necessarily deal breakers but must be acknowledged.
- The role of boundaries in maintaining respect and balance within a relationship.
- Discussion on the Broken Wing Syndrome, (find out more in Season 1, Episode 1) where one partner may unintentionally take on the caretaker role, leading to an unbalanced dynamic.
**Couples Discussed:**
1. **Jenny & Tom**: Jenny struggles with Tom's drinking and the hurtful behavior that sometimes accompanies it, leading to a pattern of rationalizing his actions instead of setting clear boundaries.
2. **Jerry & Cindy**: Cindy’s trust issues stemming from a past relationship lead her to scrutinize Jerry's every move, creating a cycle of anxiety and frustration for both partners.
**Takeaways:**
- Recognizing when you are focusing on the wrong aspects of your relationship as “work.”
- The significance of setting expectations and having open discussions about feelings and boundaries.
- Practical strategies for navigating common relationship issues while maintaining personal well-being.
- It's crucial to differentiate between changeable behaviors and deal breakers early in a relationship.
**Resources:**
- Visit [loveunboxpodcast.com](https://loveunboxpodcast.com) to submit questions or share your thoughts.
- Check out Dr. Colleen's journal, "My Mindful Reflections: A Daily Journal for Better Mental Health," for more insights on mental well-being.
**Connect with Us:**
- **Voicemail**: Have a relationship question or story to share? Leave a message at loveunboxpodcast.com.
**Join Us Next Time:**
Stay tuned for future episodes where we tackle more aspects of love, relationships, and personal growth. Let’s keep hope alive and unpack love together!
[00:00:00] Hi, Dr. Mullen. Hello, Dr. Collins. My question for you, Dr. Mullen, and my question for you is, which probably hits at the beginning of our relationship, do you still hold out hope for finding love or improving the love you have? Well, Love Unboxed is the place for you. Welcome to Love Unboxed, the podcast for the hopeful romantic.
[00:00:25] Your host is Dr. Colleen Mullen. She's been helping her clients find love and stay in love. And now she wants to share what she knows with you. Dr. Colleen is here to sprinkle a little magic on your love life. Get ready folks, because today we're diving into a brand new unboxing adventure. Let's join Dr.
[00:00:44] Colleen and embrace the adventure that awaits. Well, hello and welcome to Love Unboxed. This is the place where we unbox love, one topic at a time, one episode at a time, to help you find more of the love that you [00:01:00] want in your life. I'm your host and fellow hopeful romantic, Dr. Colleen. And today we're going to talk about a phrase that everyone knows, but most people misunderstand.
[00:01:12] That misunderstood phrase will be the theme of this episode. I want you to understand the reframe I'm going to give you, and I hope it inspires you to do things differently if you need to. So what is the magic phrase? Let's hear it for, Relationships are a lot of work. When I'm in session with a client and they say to me, but Dr.
[00:01:36] Colleen, don't people say relationships are a lot of work? I know that they're seeking validation that I can't give them. I have found that the population at large says relationships are a lot of work to justify a lot of distress in their relationships. Do you know what I mean by that? Have you said it and meant it in that way?
[00:01:59] I know when I was [00:02:00] attached to that phrase with that understanding of it, I had a terrible time finding any peace in my love life. I always had partners who were emotionally detached or chaotic or just outright tapped into my emotional wounds and were just toxic for me. And that's the thing we'll talk about too in another episode.
[00:02:18] Just because someone is toxic for you, it doesn't mean that they're toxic for everyone. That's going to be a fun episode. And I was in those chaotic or emotionally detached relationships because I believed, like many others, that the struggle was just par for the course. Like, if I could survive that, or get to the other side of some inherent conflict with a partner, that then we would experience true love.
[00:02:46] Well, that is definitely not what that phrase means. The reframe I'm going to share with you will give you a strength based way of thinking about relationships. It will help you remember the true intent [00:03:00] of what it means to put work into a relationship. My reframe of, Relationships are a lot of work, is A sustainable relationship can be a lot of work at very specific times during its lifespan.
[00:03:16] Let's say it again just in case you missed it. A sustainable relationship can be a lot of work at very specific times during its lifespan. In this episode, I'm going to give you two examples of couples that have a partner that buys into the misinterpreted thinking that relationships are supposed to be a lot of work.
[00:03:36] I'm going to tell you how that dictates their behavior. I'm also going to then give you how their relationship could be navigated when they adopt the more strength based thinking that relationships can be a lot of work at certain times during its lifespan. So don't forget that if you have a question about a relationship or a conundrum in your relationship life.
[00:03:58] You can just go and ask me over at [00:04:00] loveunboxpodcast. com. It works just like any other voicemail.
[00:04:07] Your love relationship should enhance your life, not bring extra stress into it. And of course we are talking about over the course of a lifespan of relationship, you will have stress, but generally when you get together with someone new and you're in the beginning phase of your relationship. It should enhance your life.
[00:04:29] You should be finding your way to figuring out how you both do your relationship together. Certainly, it should not take up the effort of a part time job just to keep it going. And here's a thought for you to ponder. The foundational work in a new relationship should be so stress free that we generally call the first 6 months to 18 months the honeymoon phase of the relationship.
[00:04:58] I want you to think about that. [00:05:00] We allow all that time just for adjusting and learning about each other. I'm sure everyone listening knows someone who's jumped way ahead in this process in the past. Maybe it's you. For sure, I've been there. You know, it's like wanting to fit ten years of a relationship ahead in just ten months.
[00:05:21] People do get married during that time, and even some people end up having kids during that time. For those who have jumped ahead, like myself, you know, we would say that we were in love. And, you know, at the time, I definitely believed that we were growing into love. And I'm sure you did too, but because collectively when we do these things, we don't take the time to get to really go through the process of the honeymoon stage.
[00:05:52] There may be some cracks in that foundation and there often are. And if you're listening to this and you're in a relationship right now that [00:06:00] has jumped ahead and you're thinking like, Oh geez, what have I done now? I want to assure you that just like our home foundation, when our foundation is cracked, it doesn't mean the entire thing is not salvageable, right?
[00:06:15] It may take some delicate work to fix a cracked foundation, but you can rebuild and remodel your relationship and build back in. A stronger foundation to help it become sustainable. And you can do this at any time. So in relationship to the concept of taking time to get to know someone, I want you to remember this.
[00:06:40] Getting to know someone can be romantic, but you can't romanticize getting to know someone. Taking the time to get to know someone allows you to see if they are who they tell you that they are. You know, in those late night chat sessions that are so romantic or during pillow talk after the best sex of your life, you'll end up witnessing them and experiencing [00:07:00] them through their good days, the bad days, the off days, and all the rest in between and, and you in the same state as well.
[00:07:08] You'll see the red flags, the green flags, the yellow flags, and you'll decide how you get to interact with them.
[00:07:21] I want you to remember that not all red flags are deal breakers, but all deal breakers always begin as a red flag. But Dr. Colleen, what does that mean? Well, I thought you'd never ask. So let's talk about the red flags that are not always deal breakers. These are often in the form of undesirable behaviors.
[00:07:42] These are considered changeable. Drinking, smoking, not communicating well, kind of like habits or ways of being that people can learn to change. In contrast, an example of a red [00:08:00] flag that is and always will be a deal breaker for a particular person would be the person that decides that, for whatever reason, they do not want to date someone who still has children living in the home with them.
[00:08:16] So you see, when you then go out with someone and you find out that they have children living at home with them, that is a deal breaker. Deal breaker. And because that is, that's not changeable. That's a lifestyle choice that somebody, if they say, I don't want to date someone with kids, it could be your kids are already grown.
[00:08:36] It could be that you're not inclined to have kids, whatever the case is. It's your prerogative. You're allowed to decide that. A person having children makes them non datable for you. It doesn't make them non datable for lots of other people, but for you and anybody else that thinks like that, it makes them non datable for you.
[00:08:57] So that's how you can [00:09:00] conceptualize That some red flags are not deal breakers because they are changeable, but some red flags are always deal breakers because they are not changeable. So it's during the very early phase of the honeymoon phase of the relationship when you're really just barely starting to build the foundation when people show you exactly who they are.
[00:09:26] They tell you who they are. early on, and you must listen to them. The red flags get shown early on. You have to decide, is that red flag one of your particular deal breakers? And if it is, we're going to talk about how that plays out for the couple down below. And if it isn't, how you might interact with it.
[00:09:49] You get a choice. And this is super important because when we enter a relationship and we err on the side of working hard on the wrong thing in the beginning of the [00:10:00] relationship, we will inevitably find ourselves in a relationship that is way more work intensive and brings less happiness over its lifetime.
[00:10:11] And as we're just about to get into the story of our two couples today, it's really important to know that one of the. Early telltale signs that your relationship is starting out way more work than it needs to be is that you become the helper in the relationship. You find that helping your new love becomes the primary role that you carry in your relationship.
[00:10:37] When someone has a tendency to fall into the helper role early on in a new relationship, I call this the broken wing syndrome. And just like when you find a bird with a broken wing on the ground and you nurse it back to health. At some point, it can stand on its own two legs and launch itself, uh, just like we do from our parents as we grow [00:11:00] up, and they become empty nesters.
[00:11:03] If you take on that role in your relationship. It will turn into a one sided relationship. Being a good caregiver is something we all do from time to time for our partners in a sustainable relationship, but that is not your primary role because that is a different, a power differential if you're going to be taking care of them and guiding them through life.
[00:11:28] And if you caught last week's episode, you heard the episode on the broken wing syndrome. That's the shortcut of it for you here, but I encourage you to go back and listen to the episode titled Broken Wing Syndrome on loveunboxpodcast. com or right wherever you're listening to your podcast right now.
[00:11:48] Thanks. So now let's get into our two couples. And of course, I'm naming the couple with certain [00:12:00] names. and giving them characteristics and talking about their relationships, but in no way am I actually talking about two distinct couples that I actually know. These are general relationship things that come up quite frequently, and I wanted to give you an example of The way someone does a relationship when they are stuck in old patterns of adjusting and anticipating for their partner rather than them focusing on what they need in their relationship and how that can play itself out.
[00:12:35] The first couple I'm going to tell you about is Jenny and Tom. Jenny's 28. Her career is going strong, and she's at the point where she wants to find a relationship. She wants a partner, so she finds Tom. He hits all the marks on paper. He's got a good job, a nice body. He's fun to hang out with. But when they go out, he has a tendency to drink too much and she ends up babysitting him.[00:13:00]
[00:13:00] And sometimes, but only when he's drinking, Tom shows a side of his personality that Jenny just doesn't even like because he becomes mean and gets annoyed with her, especially if she is not keeping up with his drinking. Jenny gets into a habit of brushing off the things that Tom says when he's drunk and annoyed.
[00:13:19] You know, when he says, oh gosh, I'm sorry about that, you know, I was, I just drank too much. She says, oh, don't worry about it. But inside it was really hurtful to her. So Jenny ends up rationalizing the behavior She's having such a good time with him in some moments. It's just those moments that are really bad So she tells herself that that it's not every time that we go out that he drinks too much Or that she finds reasons to justify him drinking too much, like his job is really stressful and he needs an outlet.
[00:13:55] So she lets him off the hook because she thinks, well, [00:14:00] maybe I can find other things for us to do that can help him have an outlet for his stress if she thinks that that's all that it is. So she starts making suggestions of how they could be healthier in their downtime. She suggests that they start taking up jogging and She figures if he takes to it, he could have a different outlet for letting off his steam.
[00:14:24] I think we can all imagine what happens a few months down the road, but I will tell you that in just a minute. But first, I want to get into our next couple.
[00:14:36] Hey there fellow hopeful romantics! Are you looking for a way to enhance your mental well being? Let me introduce you to My Mindful Reflections, a daily journal for better mental health. I designed this journal over a period of time when I was learning to navigate my own ADHD, but you don't have to have ADHD to benefit from this journal.
[00:14:58] Imagine a daily ritual [00:15:00] that ends each day reflecting on your intention for that day, what you did for yourself, what you did for others. your mood, and some other key tracking data points. You'll also have space to write those traditional journal entries, freeing yourself of all the thoughts and emotions that you might not have released yet for the day.
[00:15:21] And then for those moments when you need a little creativity, the journal features beautiful coloring pages adorned with confidence boosting sayings. I want you to remember that you are not alone in this journey, and I like to think that every stroke of color adds a little splash of positivity to your day.
[00:15:37] So why wait? Start your journey towards better mental health today with My Mindful Reflections. Visit loveunboxpodcast. com for a direct link to get it on Amazon now. Your mind deserves this little moment of mindfulness.
[00:15:59] [00:16:00] Our next couple is Jerry and Cindy. Cindy has been cheated on in a past relationship. They're both probably in mid thirties, you know, they've had their different relationships, but for Cindy, she's been cheated on and She wears it like a badge of honor Like she feels like it puts her in charge of anyone that she dates since she got cheated on.
[00:16:22] She owns it She puts it out there on her first date that she has a tough time trusting men. She says, literally, I have trust issues and you just have to bear with that. You know, I got burned once and I'm not gonna get burned again. So you need to earn my trust. Well, as a man, Jerry thinks, yeah, this might be rational, you know.
[00:16:49] He might be a little worried about it because it sounds like she's a little controlling right off the bat. But he figures that it sucks to be cheated on so he decides that he's going to [00:17:00] do whatever is necessary to help Cindy Learn to trust him, but really he's agreeing to earn her trust. We don't want to do that.
[00:17:09] You don't need to earn trust. They can give it unless you give a reason not to have it. So he's doing whatever's necessary for Cindy to find a way to trust him. The problem is that Cindy starts scrutinizing him and suffocating him when her insecurity around trust comes up every chance that she gets.
[00:17:31] Jerry shared his social media with her and he thinks I've got nothing to hide. But Cindy still starts angry texting him every once in a while about the picture that he liked on Instagram or for the people that he follows. On a side note, we're gonna do an episode about navigating your own emotions around social media.
[00:17:50] To keep your own relationship stable.[00:18:00]
[00:18:02] Jerry assures Cindy that she has nothing to worry about in regards to his social media behavior. He doesn't even know these people, and they're just looking for attention. That's what they do for a living. He doesn't really think twice about it when he likes a pretty influencer's post. He says that's what she's there for.
[00:18:19] But Cindy is adamant that Jerry is being shady. And she tells him that he needs to work harder to prove that he is worthy and deserving of her trust. Could you imagine that? That's rough. Hmm. So let's pretend to be a fly on the wall in these two relationships and see how they're functioning over some time.
[00:18:43] Well, it's a few months in. And Jenny is now habituated to minimizing and justifying Tom's bad behavior when he drinks and is now tiptoeing around him all the time. Tom's occasional bad behavior has gotten more frequent as the months went [00:19:00] on. And you can see it's because Jenny didn't set any boundaries with him, but I'm going to get to that.
[00:19:07] And on the other side of town, we have Jerry, who is getting scrutinized and continues to work hard at proving his trustworthiness to Cindy. But she continues to find new ways to be suspicious of him every day. Jerry has now deleted his social media accounts. He said it was just easier that way. And he didn't care that much about it.
[00:19:29] And that was all good until Cindy told him that when he deleted those accounts, it really confirmed to her that he was being shady because a man that has nothing to hide wouldn't delete his accounts. In those moments, Jerry becomes deflated and hopeless. He then starts sharing his location with her, thinking that that will help.
[00:19:51] But it really just creates more situations that raise Cindy's suspicions. Even when he just stops off at the grocery store on the way home from [00:20:00] work, Cindy is concerned that he didn't tell her that he was going to do that. So she really goes haywire with jealousy. And even despite all of Cindy's current ways that she gets suspicious of him, Jerry convinces himself that all that access to him is working, because when Cindy isn't scrutinizing him, they have a great time together and they're even telling each other that they love each other.
[00:20:26] In those good moments, Jerry can't remember ever feeling as happy in a relationship, except every couple of weeks when Cindy gets anxious and suspicious about something. It's at that time when he has no hope and he doesn't know what he can do. Jerry is stumped. He doesn't know what more he can do. And he's about two years into this relationship now.
[00:20:51] It's still going on. It's going to be the Jerry's and the Jenny's of the world that come to therapy and say, [00:21:00] but aren't relationships supposed to be a lot of work? They're looking for the validation that they need that their efforts are going to pay off. They want me to say, yes, and you are working so hard.
[00:21:15] Instead, I end up breaking the bad news to them to tell them that they've actually been working on the wrong things. And, in Jerry's case, for way too long. Both Jerry and Jenny are what I call the broken wing whispers in these examples. And you can go back and listen to the episode right before this, Broken Wing Syndrome, to find out more about what I mean by that.
[00:21:38] On so many times with my clients I'll say, well, if you got to do this situation over, you get a do over on this one. What do you do different? So let's talk about the do over. Instead of working to adjust their own behavior to the obstacles or the red flags that their partner showed them, the work they actually needed to do [00:22:00] was on how to express uncomfortable emotions, how to say what they want, how to set healthy boundaries, how to set expectations.
[00:22:07] If they were doing that from day one of the relationship, their partners would have had to either found a way to rectify their own struggles. Or walk away when you're doing the right work and your partner's not meeting you on it because you set a boundary and they continue to break it. You can just go and we're going to do another episode on being okay with walking away, no matter where you are in a relationship, when it is not sustainable and you really understand there is no sustaining this relationship.
[00:22:44] I'm not here to have people leave relationships. I'm here to help them have. More of the kind of relationship that they want in their life. So in order to do that, we have to be willing to walk away from people who are not going to be a [00:23:00] counterpart for us to create a sustainable relationship with. And I'm keep referencing the episodes we're going to do in the future because we are just getting started here and I want you to have an idea of what's coming up and I already have some great episodes that are driven by the questions that people left me on the voicemail over at loveunboxpodcast.
[00:23:18] com. So, don't forget that if you have a question about a relationship or a conundrum in your relationship life, you can just go and ask me over at loveunboxpodcast. com. It works just like any other voicemail. So let's talk about Jenny and Tom. In their case, the healthy work that they would be doing is very different than the unhealthy work that leads them to an unsustainable relationship.
[00:23:47] Rather than learning to drink Tom's stressors and triggers so that Jenny can tiptoe around them, after the first time he drank too much and said mean things to her, Jenny would set her expectation of how she wanted to be treated down. [00:24:00] by setting the boundary that this mean behavior would not be tolerated and expects him to figure out how to not let that happen again.
[00:24:09] If and when that behavior shows up, she ends the relationship. She is not invested at that point. Doesn't matter if it's a couple of months in, doesn't six months in. If that behavior shows up and that is her boundary, a boundary is about the line the person stating the boundary will not cross. It's not about setting a boundary for someone else not to cross it.
[00:24:37] You say, I'm not going to stand for that kind of behavior in my relationship. No one's going to treat me that way. So that leaves Tom having to figure out that if he only gets mean when he drinks, then maybe he should do something about the drinking. That's really difficult work because it takes being vulnerable and [00:25:00] being willing to Walk away if your boundary that you set that you say, this is my line and I cannot have this if the other person crosses it.
[00:25:13] For Jenny, it's going to be overcoming whatever inner conflict she has that gets in the way. Maybe she has difficulty telling someone what she wants. Maybe she's comparing. Maybe his meanness is not as bad as some other guy that she knew. Or maybe she doesn't want to seem high maintenance. Whatever her thoughts are that block her, she needs to find a way to overcome those.
[00:25:41] And that's where therapy can really come in handy for someone like Jenny. So you can see that if you relate to the story, that if your inclination was to start adjusting your behavior to adapt to the problematic behavior, it causes a lot of tough work [00:26:00] to happen in that relationship, right? You're always on your toes.
[00:26:03] You're not able to be present. You're always anticipating what's the next thing. But on the other side of that, when you do the tougher work. on becoming confident and setting boundaries and saying what you want in a relationship and letting someone else know what is not okay. On the other side of that work is confidence, self respect, and a partner.
[00:26:29] that is healthy for you and leads you to a sustainable relationship. All right, so I also want to clarify in Jenny's case how it is possible for the red flag of drinking too much and getting mean is not a deal breaker or a relationship killer. So as I said, if Jenny sets the expectation that she doesn't want that behavior that results when he drinks.
[00:26:56] to be part of their relationship and he really wants to [00:27:00] find a way to keep this relationship going with her because he really feels like, you know, this could be something special, then he needs to deal with himself and figure out, can he control the drinking? Does he need to stop drinking? Does he need to deal with some of his own inner demons to figure out why he does things that look like self sabotage in his relationships?
[00:27:23] So he needs to get a grip on that behavior and you see how in that statement of her expectation, she doesn't say he needs to stop drinking. She doesn't even talk about his drinking. She just says. You can't treat me like this. And Tom is left to figure out how that behavior gets extinguished. Well, there's always the possibility that either Jenny's expectation of Tom, of Tom to get a grip on his behavior or other things going on with him around his own relationship with alcohol.[00:28:00]
[00:28:00] might cause him to decide on his own to get help for his problematic behaviors. People can and do get sober or change their relationship with substances and do the inner work that helps them extinguish that problematic behavior every day. It can be done. So someone struggling means they're struggling, but you're not going to stay and wait.
[00:28:25] If they have that kind of problem early on and you see it early on in the relationship, You're going to set the expectation, and if they are not actively working on that, that is not going to be a sustainable relationship. Of course we're going to do episodes, I'm sure multiple, on how substance abuse, substance dependency.
[00:28:47] But various relationships with various substances can affect the sustainability of a relationship as well. So now let's look at Jerry and Cindy. In this case, [00:29:00] Jerry's work is to not avoid situations on purpose just because he's afraid of Cindy's jealousy showing up. That is so much tougher work than just avoiding those situations.
[00:29:12] Jerry's anxiety will most likely be on high alert when he purposely doesn't avoid the situations that bring on Cindy's jealousy. Jerry is not doing it to get her jealous. He's living his life, and he has an Instagram account, and sometimes he likes a pretty woman's picture that is an actively paid female influencer.
[00:29:32] I mean, that is what people are there to do. They're there to get traffic so that they can sell their products. So, Jerry's work also involves expressing uncomfortable emotions. Instead of agreeing with Cindy's request that he would restrict his contact with women in the world, He would instead, when that happens, tell her how disappointed he is that she refuses to trust him because of what some other guy did before him.
[00:29:57] When he does that, Jerry will then [00:30:00] be setting a boundary that if she can't find a way to accept him and trust him based on his own behavior, the repeated accusations will end the relationship because it wears him out emotionally. Jerry would also change how he interacts with Cindy's jealousy. His work there would involve fighting the impulse to tailor his behaviors to avoid her jealousy.
[00:30:22] It means things like fighting the impulse to restrict his access to things that could get her jealous. Meaning, like, he might openly just be on his Instagram if he wants to be on his Instagram. And he wouldn't delete his accounts to keep the peace. Cindy would have to decide to trust him and work on her own anxiety.
[00:30:44] So that's what Jenny and Jerry could do to have a sustainable relationship. But when they each come into therapy because they go, gosh, how do I get this person to trust me? Or how do I get him to not be so mean when he drinks? You hear how [00:31:00] twisted that is when we say it out loud like that, you know, and I end up having to say, well, I think you're working.
[00:31:06] on things that are going to be ineffective for you in the long term. It already feels like it's becoming ineffective for you in the long term. Do you know what they're going to say to me? They're going to say, but I love her, or I love him. And it's really good at other times. That may be how they feel, and they can choose to stay because of quote unquote love, but if the goal is a sustainable relationship, that's not what they're working towards.
[00:31:38] Instead of building a relationship house that they can live in practically maintenance free, They are living in a fixer upper that needs so much emotional construction that there really is no end in sight. I don't know about you, but I've had a fixer upper once and once was enough for me. Okay, so let's talk about [00:32:00] when we should expect relationship work if we are in a sustainable partnership.
[00:32:05] I'm going to give you a basic list of growth times in a relationship and they will be also listed in the show notes. Uh, over at love on box podcast. com and you're going to see in that list that it's logical and it makes sense in the original misunderstood version. It's left open to lots of managing other people's emotions, angst and chaos.
[00:32:32] All right. So the list is pretty simple. It's all the little life stages of your relationship lifetime. So it starts with getting to know each other. You're building your foundation, then you're deciding to move in together or committing in other ways by getting engaged or getting married. Uh, the next one is figuring out both of your relationships with money because when [00:33:00] you live together, money becomes a us item.
[00:33:04] The next times are figuring out where you'll live your life together. Deciding to have or to not have kids and then if you have kids, how you want to raise them, how you want to school them, what does discipline mean, what do rules mean, what do you have expectations of of the kids, you know, do you come together as parents and what to do in retirement or empty nesting adjustments.
[00:33:32] So those are like the standard ones, the cookie cutter version. There are certainly other times that spur growth work in a relationship. And these are going to be ones that if your foundation is not solid, it's going to feel very unsustainable as you grow. I have to deal with these things that come up.
[00:33:58] It can be [00:34:00] about, God forbid, somebody gets sick or you have a child that's sick, right? That brings on so much stress to a couple. Maybe you have an elderly parent that needs to move in with you. Maybe it will be going through the loss of a job, the expected losses or unexpected losses of people that you love in your life, grief issues, career changes, buying houses.
[00:34:28] All sorts of things that bring on everyday stress, but when people come in and they're like, yeah, but relationships are a lot of work. I'm talking about the Jerry's and the Jenny's of the world who have thought that, Oh, like I'm just going to go with the stereotype version because many of us relate to it from at least our earlier days in relationship life of, well, But he has so much potential.
[00:34:59] [00:35:00] If you're in a relationship with someone because you just know, if you stick it out with them, they are potentially going to be as fabulous as you really know their heart to be. I want to tell you to take a few steps back and look at what you're doing and what are you getting. Those people are in very stressful, work heavy relationships that don't lead often to sustainable relationships because you've defined your role as work.
[00:35:33] the cheerleader, the encourager, the caregiver, the parent, but not the partner. So a sustainable emotional relationship functions like a solidly built home. If you take the time to pay attention to the details in the beginning as you build it, It will need maintenance occasionally, but if it's not built well, it will be hard to feel settled into that home, [00:36:00] if you're always worried about where the next crack is going to show up.
[00:36:04] So, which relationship house do you want to live in? As I said, I prefer the solidly built home and I'm I understand the difference now at this point in my life. The work that I do today with my partner, with my husband, is so much easier when it shows up than the stuff I used to do with the partners that tapped into my own broken wing syndrome.
[00:36:29] I want to know that most of the time I will be enjoying the person that I'm with. I want to know it's safe to say what I think and how I feel. And I want them to feel the same about me. Well, that was a lot to take in. I hope you're still with me. Uh, let me know what you think of this. Did you relate to this?
[00:36:50] Leave me that voicemail if you like over at loveunboxedpodcast. com. You'll also get the links to my TikTok and [00:37:00] Instagram. I want to know if you connected with this. This is something that I end up having conversation after conversation in the therapy rooms about with my clients. And as I shared, I actually have been in, you know, good little handful of those relationships myself, and I know the difference and I want to know, do you know the difference yet?
[00:37:23] Do you not relate at all because you just couldn't imagine not setting the right expectations? I want to hear from you too. And of course, if you have a question unrelated to anything that we talked about today, but affects you in your love life and you want to ask me about it, go to loveunboxpodcast.
[00:37:42] com and leave me your voicemail. I can't wait to hear your question. So until next time, let's keep hope [00:38:00] alive.