Leave Dr. Colleen a voicemail with your relationship questions at LoveUnboxedPodcast.com. Have you ever loved a birdie with a broken wing? Are you a Wing Whisperer?? Listen in as Dr. Colleen Mullen unboxes the topic of the (totally made up) Broken Wing Syndrome. She tells the story of Jenny & Jack, two people who come together at an opportune time to meet each other's needs. When there is a bird with a broken wing in the relationship and a wing whisperer who wants to nurse them back to emotional health, this becomes more toxic than it is helpful. You deserve better than to be an empty nester in your own relationship. Love, Unboxed: The Podcast for the Hopeful Romantic is your place for keeping hope alive when it comes to having more of the love you want in your life.
"Love, Unboxed: A Podcast for the Hopeful Romantic" is a new project by Dr. Colleen Mullen. Dr. Colleen hopes this becomes collaborative with you. Each week, Dr. Colleen unboxes one topic on love & relationships so that you gain a deeper understanding of it and can manage it when it shows up in your life.
Leave your relationship questions for Dr Colleen at LoveUnboxedPodcast.com. The first 5 people who leave a relationship question get a free copy of the journal Dr. Colleen designed: My Mindful Reflections: A Daily Journal for Better Mental Health.
This is Season 1, Episode 1- The subject up for unboxing is the Broken Wing Syndrome. This is sometimes called the Broken Brid Syndrome. Neither the Broken Wing or Broken Bird Syndromes are actual diagnostic terms, rather, they are very popular ways of discussing a particular relationship dynamic. Dr. Colleen has coined those who have the Broken Wing Syndrome and fall in love with the Birdies with Broken Wings, the Wing Whisperers.
If you don't know these terms, but you've been insecure in relationships, or seem to reflect on past relationships and feel like you stayed too long, or can see in the reflection that you couldn't get what you needed from your partner emotionally, I encourage you to listen to this. You may relate to what Dr. Colleen unboxes.
This unboxing includes:
What topics do you want Dr. Colleen to unbox???
Leave your relationship questions for Dr Colleen at LoveUnboxedPodcast.com.
Love Unboxed Episode One Broken Wing Syndrome
[00:00:00] Hi, Dr. Mullen. Hello, Dr. Colleen. Hi, Dr. Colleen. My question for you is, how soon after the beginning of our relationship, do you still hold out hope for finding love or improving the love you have? Welcome to Love Unboxed, the podcast for the hopeful romantic. Your host is Dr. Colleen Mullen. She's been a therapist for over 20 years and a lifetime hopeful romantic.
[00:00:29] She's been helping her clients find love and stay in love. And now she wants to share what she knows with you. Get ready folks, because today we're diving into a brand new unboxing adventure.
[00:00:47] Hi, I'm Dr. Colleen Mullin, and I'm here because I want to help you have more of the love that you want in your life. Through this podcast, I'm going to share with you what I know about relationships based not just [00:01:00] on what I know through practicing for over 20 years as a psychotherapist specializing in tough relationships, but also from a lifelong journey as a hopeful romantic.
[00:01:11] That included a lot of tough lessons in my life about relationship dynamics and love. With each episode, I'm going to unbox a new topic related to love and relationships. And stay tuned to find out how you can get your relationship questions answered right here on the show. And to celebrate the launch of Love Unboxed, I'm going to be giving the details of a free giveaway later in the episode.
[00:01:34] But first, I want to tell you the story of Jack and Jenny. A little birdie with a broken wing and a winged whisperer. Jack and Jenny met after chatting on Hinge. Jack is 32 and Jenny is 30 years old. They find they both love good coffee, a good concert, and any time that they can spend at the beach.
[00:01:55] They're both excited about this new love connection. Jenny lives on her [00:02:00] own. Jenny got her dream job after grad school and is working for a big accounting firm. She's under a lot of pressure but hopes that if she can stick out these first grueling years, she'll be able to move up the ladder as she has her sights on becoming a partner someday.
[00:02:15] Jenny has always had a plan and has been driven to succeed, primarily out of her fear of not being able to make ends meet. Because that's what she watched her parents do as they struggled while she was growing up to pay the rent. At a young age, she decided on accounting as a safe career because it would ensure that she'd understand finances and it would provide her with a pretty good and reliable income.
[00:02:40] Jenny has a tendency to err on the side of caution in life. In fact, she just bought a one bedroom condo last year because it was another notch in her life plan for financial safety. So she really plays by the rules and plans things out, thinks about her future. Now, Jack, he could empathize with Jenny about erring on the side of [00:03:00] caution and planning on her financial future at a young age, but one of their inherent differences is that Jack did not grow up with the same perspective on money and security.
[00:03:09] His parents were wildly successful in their business ventures, of which they had many. Jack's parents were entrepreneurial. They built businesses to sell and had a knack for the next best thing. Money came easy to Jack's parents and Jack assumed that he would just kind of inherit some of his parents business acumen, so he didn't sweat the future planning so much.
[00:03:32] Currently, Jack's living at his friend Bob's home while he regroups after some volatility in his recent business ventures. The last two businesses he bought and sold were losses. In fact, Jack realized that his game's actually been off for a while now. Jack's parents say they need to see him prospecting and succeeding on his own before they let him come into the family business and his stay at Bob's house is actually pretty fragile.
[00:03:59] Jack has [00:04:00] about four months of spending money left from his first sale of profits two years ago. And Jenny is the first woman that he's met in a couple of years that didn't seem to judge him for his financial situation. He was really enjoying their connection, genuinely, but that was like icing on the cake that she wasn't complaining or wondering about his financial future.
[00:04:22] So, Jack and Jenny went on a handful of dates. Date number four fell on a Friday night. They went out, they had a good time, and they both went back to Jenny's place. Jack mentioned that Bob was going to be at home, and he wasn't keen on Jack having dates over. Jenny didn't seem to mind this, and just suggested that they go back to her place.
[00:04:42] They did end up spending the night together. Friday night easily turned into the rest of the weekend. On Sunday night, Jack reluctantly went home. Jenny had to tell him that she had an early morning the next day, and she wanted him to get the cue that he needed to go to his own [00:05:00] space. She was a little taken aback by how easily Friday night turned into Sunday, but Jenny was ready and wanting a real partner, someone she could think about a future with.
[00:05:10] She wasn't sure yet if Jack was gonna be the guy, but he seemed to be making a strong play for her and she was enjoying it. As their relationship continued to blossom, Jack started coming on strong for Jenny's time. Every time they hung out after that first weekend together, Jack at least tried to stay over.
[00:05:28] After another couple of weeks, Jack and Jenny were spending several nights a week together. Jenny even felt like she was at risk of being one of those girls who loses track of her girlfriends because she gets a boyfriend and wants to spend all of her time with him. But she was thinking that she could start making more of an effort to see them.
[00:05:46] Right around that same time, Jack asked if he could stay with her for a few weeks. He puts their budding relationship as the forefront of the reason for this. Of course, he has ulterior reasons. But, what he tells her [00:06:00] when he's focusing on the relationship is that no one really has ever understood him like she has, or gotten him so well, and he was falling in love with her.
[00:06:10] Jenny was certainly enjoying the connection, even if she felt there was still a lot more to get to know about him. And that ulterior motive that Jack had was that his friend Bob had finally told him that he needed to move out. Bob got an opportunity to get a different roommate into the house. Who was willing to pay much more than he ever charged Jack.
[00:06:30] Bob knew that Jack really couldn't afford what the going rate was for the house share, and even though he felt bad about it, the decision was purely financial. Bob had bought the house a couple of years ago with the intention of renting it out as a house share to supplement his income. He felt that he had done good by his friend Jack when he needed him, but it was time for him to start generating some real income from the home.
[00:06:53] Jack seemed to take the news pretty easily. Bob was surprised by this. Jack felt [00:07:00] asking to stay with Jenny for a few weeks while he was looking for a new place would be okay because of how great everything was in their relationship, and that is why he focused on that. He really wasn't trying to manipulate or anything.
[00:07:12] He just wanted her to know that he was doing it because he really did want to spend time with her and thought it would be great to do that while he looked for a new apartment. And it was okay with Jenny. She was hesitant. But she empathized with Jack. She remembered what it was like when she was in a roommate situation and people got nitpicky about who was paying what for what.
[00:07:36] She believed Jack when he said it would take two weeks, maybe a month tops, to save up the security deposit and find a new apartment. Jenny thought it was a reasonable assessment considering that she made an assumption that Jack had money in the bank because he was living off of that. So she thought that he probably had the starter of a down payment going.
[00:07:59] So do you know what [00:08:00] happens next? Well, if you guessed that the weeks start to pass by and Jack didn't seem to be making any progress towards his goal of moving out, you would be correct. Well, Jenny noticed it too. And it sort of sounded her alarms, but she was quick to quiet them. She saw that Jack was out doing things during the day.
[00:08:21] She believed he was working and looking for apartments. He did have more cash each day as he came home. She hadn't charged him any rent because she figured it was just going to be a couple of weeks anyway. And she felt that charging him rent would just be another obstacle in his way. And she didn't want to be an obstacle to him.
[00:08:39] From Jack's perspective. He was grateful Jenny wasn't hounding him for the rent. He was aware that paying rent would be the right thing to do, but he really didn't have any real income coming in, so he needed to preserve what he had. He was also so comfortable with Jenny and her home that he thought of just offering her a few hundred dollars a month [00:09:00] as like a token rent to buy more time, but really he was hoping it could just turn into him living there.
[00:09:06] Around the end of month two of living there, rent free. He gets up the courage to tell Jenny the reality of his situation. His parents won't lend him any more money because they think he doesn't manage it well. He's doing day labor work when he can get it, so he does make some cash every day. But he really doesn't see his income changing until he can get his hands on his next business investment, which he hasn't quite figured out how he was going to do yet.
[00:09:32] By now, at the end of two months of living together, so three months into their relationship, Jenny did have strong feelings for him and thought maybe she loved Jack. It really felt special that he revered her so highly. You know, he said that she was different from all of his past girlfriends, and she felt that it was special too.
[00:09:52] She really liked that he was upfront with her and that he, he might've been different than her in the [00:10:00] way that kind of kept her interested. So, she decides to let him stay, indefinitely, and does accept his token 400 a month offer for rent, with the agreement that as he gets access to more money through, you know, a job, he'll pay more.
[00:10:18] A funny thing happened to Jenny as she started to go out separately of Jack now. She noticed that when she was around her friends, she would focus on all the fantastic things about Jack. Jack. Jack. Rather than giving them a second to make an opinion or a judgment call on them living together. She knew it was too soon for living together in her book because she hadn't really felt the way she wanted to feel when she agreed to it, but she really just felt that Jack needed a break in the world.
[00:10:49] He was so funny and kind. And he respected her like no one has before. They were so bonded and she really felt like she was in love with him [00:11:00] and trusted him. And this is what she shared with her friends. So when someone did ask her, Don't you think this is all happening too fast, Jen? Even if uncomfortable, Jenny would make the case for how strong their bond was, to the point that her friends even started wishing for what she and Jack had.
[00:11:20] Ultimately, Jenny believed that life had just thrown Jack a lot of obstacles. She felt his parents were being too cautious with him about the money. But she hadn't actually met them yet. But she knew in her heart that if everyone could know Jack the way that she did, they would understand. She believed that he had so much potential.
[00:11:40] He was so smart. And such a good person. She figured with the right circumstances, he really could get his business ventures off the ground and have a different experience in the world. Let's fast forward 12 months. Jenny has been patient and as understanding as she could be to Jack's circumstances. [00:12:00] But she couldn't help feeling resentful and often had a very empty feeling in the pit of her stomach.
[00:12:06] She resented Jack because now that she'd gone along with the plan to help him financially, The plan she had attended to so well for herself was stalling. And since Jack hadn't really gotten steady work, and really didn't sound like he had a plan for his own ventures, she really didn't know how to manage how she was feeling.
[00:12:26] All of a sudden, she felt like she was trapped. She knew deep down that she wasn't going to marry him. She debated ending the relationship for a few months. She kept feeling conflicted. On one hand, she said yes to him moving in with her, so she felt guilty for changing her mind now. But on the other hand, she was really mad at him.
[00:12:47] She started to feel like he took her support for granted. There were even times when she wondered if this is why his relationship with his parents is strained so much over money. So, 14 months into this [00:13:00] unbalanced love connection, Jenny set her birdie free. Now, he struggled and he resisted for a little while, but it didn't take long before he found another nest to land in.
[00:13:12] So who thinks that they know a Jack or a Jenny? Or who recognizes themselves or their friends in that relationship? My hand is raised. I've definitely been there. After this break, I'm going to crack open the topic and unbox it for you. At the end of the episode, I'm going to share with you how Jack and Jenny could experience themselves in relationships differently and what this relationship may have looked like from a more empowered position if they got a do over.
[00:13:49] My goal for this show is that it becomes collaborative with you. I want to know where you get stuck in your love life. What questions are on your mind? You can [00:14:00] leave me your burning relationship questions in a voicemail at loveonboxpodcast. com. What are the things that you keep doing in your relationship that you wish you could change?
[00:14:10] What are the things that get you stuck when you're trying to start dating someone new? Do you feel like you just don't get it right when it comes to love and relationships? But you think you're doing all the things you're supposed to be doing? Maybe you feel like you just aren't getting it right at all and you're failing at it.
[00:14:25] Ask me. You can ask me anything you want about love, relationships, and anything that goes with it over at loveunboxpodcast. com. I give you five minutes to tell me whatever you want me to know about your situation. Take your time, set it up. This way I can give you an informed answer to help you find or create more of the love that you're looking for in your life.
[00:14:48] I can't wait to hear what's on your mind. Now, since I'm just getting started, you know, I have to do something in the meantime. So while I'm waiting for your questions, I'm going to share with you all that I know about the relationship topics [00:15:00] that come up most frequently in my work with my client.
[00:15:03] Getting this information to you is really why I'm here in my work as a therapist over the last 20 something years. There are days and even some weeks where I feel like I'm having the same conversation over and over again just with different people. Because even though everyone's life experiences are so different, when it comes to love and how to find it, how to keep it, what to do when it hurts, how do you decide to stay or go, or anything else, the themes of the relationship dilemmas are similar.
[00:15:33] I want you to have a resource to help you keep hope alive in your love life. Let me know what topics you want me to cover at loveunboxpodcast. com. So let's get into our unboxing so you can find out why birds with broken wings belong at the vet, not in your bed. I know you're curious. Let's go.[00:16:00]
[00:16:11] I titled this episode birds with broken wings belong at the vet and not in your bed. Because I don't think you should need special training and skills to come out of your relationship with more than a mattress full of feathers. You deserve better than that. But what does that mean? And what does it have to do with the story I just told?
[00:16:31] Well, the topic I'm unboxing for you today is the broken wing syndrome. It's also called the broken bird syndrome. And no, it's not an actual diagnosis. This is a term from pop psychology that happens to pertain to relationships. It is very relatable. So we're not out here diagnosing anybody, but we are going to get into this popular topic.
[00:16:56] We would say that the person who takes on the little birdie with the broken wing is the [00:17:00] person that has the broken wing syndrome. I actually call that person the wing whisperer. Like a horse whisperer or a ghost whisperer. And there's so much more that you're going to understand about that in just a second, because we are just getting started with this unboxing.
[00:17:20] In this episode, we're going to cover how to identify the birdie with the broken wing, what the wing whisperer needs to know, and the standard expected course of a relationship with a birdie with a broken wing. And then we're going to dive into the background of Jenny and Jack to help explain what factors of a person's history can play into the role that they find themselves in as an adult.
[00:17:44] And finally, we're going to take a look at how Jenny and Jack's relationship would be different had they both done some healing work on their individual life experiences before they met. And even though I'm telling the story of Jack and Jenny [00:18:00] These roles that they're playing can show up across any sexual orientation or a gender identity.
[00:18:06] So, let's get into it. If you have a tendency to lean towards being the person who is the wing whisperer, You don't need to be a superhero. You don't have to be the helper. You don't need to earn their affection through helping them. Of course, generally in a relationship, there are times where we do help our partner with things that they need done in life.
[00:18:29] It's a give and take in that regard. But in this scenario, we're talking about it starting Very early in the relationship. An example of this is when Jack shared with Jenny on their first date that he had a fragile living situation. Jack presented with a date one dilemma and the dynamic of the birdie and the whisper Started to take shape as soon as Jenny empathized with him, sharing that she remembered what it was like to have difficult roommates.[00:19:00]
[00:19:00] Try not to start your relationship this way if you can help it. I mentioned that phrase of date one dilemma. I want you to remember that. We don't want date one dilemmas, and we want to listen and hear them when they show up. Because when a relationship does start off on this footing, It becomes an awful lot of work very quickly for the person with the broken wing syndrome.
[00:19:25] That actually leads to our next episode, which is going to be to help you understand what it really means when people say that relationships are supposed to be a lot of work. I definitely have a strong take on that one. But getting back to our little birdies, when someone has a tendency to fall into the helper role in their new relationship, and that becomes their primary role in the relationship.
[00:19:49] That person is essentially taking on the birdie with the broken wing. They're the ones who can lead the birdie with the broken wing back to, we'll say emotional health and stability or [00:20:00] whatever the change is that they're looking for and sort of be on a healing journey with the birdie. But that dynamic becomes emotionally heavy and can cause a lot of distress and pain for the wing whisperer.
[00:20:15] And the reason why this is such a painful dynamic to be in, um, is because I want you to understand that when your little birdie gets nursed back to health and their wing is ready to fly, that's what they're going to do. You know, you have along the way of this relationship, inevitably set aside things that are important to you You've spent your time in the relationship in a very lopsided position where you put their needs first.
[00:20:46] Your trade out was because you got fulfillment through nurturing them. It was really rewarding to see them blossom. But they do fly away. And they do that sometimes [00:21:00] because the whisperer, the wing whisperer, actually needs the person to have the broken wing. They're not ready for them to stand on their own two feet.
[00:21:10] What? But the reality is, most of the time The wing whisperer just feels disappointed. They feel empty. They feel like it's been a while since their partner focused on their needs. It's because it was created in this way, that relationship. And your healthy birdie flies away because at that point, The relationship is unbalanced, and they don't need you, they don't need your help.
[00:21:37] They also might not know what to do, so they might go off somewhere else and create more problems so that they then get that dynamic going again, because unless we examine ourselves, we are who we are, and we usually recreate these patterns. It's a lot of what we're going to talk about here. Of course, we all need to be needed in some way by our partner, but that's not what ties us to them [00:22:00] and makes us love our partner.
[00:22:02] It's not because they need us, because they want us, because they enjoy us, because we have values in common, because we've experienced life together, and it was good, and it was mutually beneficial, and it was balanced. This dynamic never feels balanced. And when we think about the little birdies flying away, I mean, this is what our life is about when we're young, right?
[00:22:32] Our parents are the wing whisperers. We're encouraged to leave, and when we do, they literally call it the empty nest syndrome. They become empty nesters. I don't want you to be an empty nester in your own relationship. I want you to have mutually fulfilling love in your life. Now let's talk about how to identify our birdie with a broken wing.
[00:22:59] and tie this [00:23:00] all together.
[00:23:16] The person with the proverbial broken wing takes a stance of blaming others for their circumstances. They give off victim energy. They don't really think of themselves as in need of someone to take care of them, but they don't refute it when it's offered. Well, thank you very much. They have all sorts of reasons why their life is in chaos, but none of the reasons are ones that they take responsibility for or feel that they have any control over because they blame other people or circumstances.
[00:23:47] They often are the people that can't hold a job very long, maybe they struggle with a substance problem, they are always short on cash, they're in need of a favor. [00:24:00] They could even have some level of success in their professional life, but they have no deep social connections because they often burn through friends because they Take and take and take.
[00:24:12] And the people with broken wings love to soak up what you're giving.
[00:24:20] You give and give and give until they are where they want to be in life, and then they fly away. Like a good healthy bird should. It's the classic dating for potential. The potential of who you believe they could be. You know, they told you all their great ideas of the things that they plan to do with their life.
[00:24:42] But then they kept showing you all the obstacles that just kept getting in their way. You feel for them so much and believe that if you were just there for them, supporting them, that they will blossom into the person that they told you that they were. So that person is our broken birdie. [00:25:00] Now if you related to Jenny's story and think you may in fact be a wing whisperer, I want you to know that you are not sick, you're not crazy, and you're not a pushover.
[00:25:14] You're What the wing whisperer is, is a person who finds empathy for those who seem to be in need of a life makeover. The wing whisperer could be seen as falling for those who need some fixing up in their life. The wing whisperer ultimately is a person who sees someone for the potential of who they can be, which on the surface is a great trait to have.
[00:25:41] Comes in really handy in situations like when you're hiring someone for a business. Or you have intentions of making roots in a new town. So you pick a young doctor who you can figure out that they're really going to shine in what they do. [00:26:00] That's a great trait to have. However, in the average dating situation, this combination can be toxic and very unbalanced, not in the wing whisperer's favor.
[00:26:14] The wing whisperer usually has some part of their psyche that that needs to prove that they are worth loving. And for this reason, they often over function in their relationships. I love you. They're often trying to prove how worthy they are. When someone is driven by those motivations, which are not favorable to them, it really can be heartbreaking because it leaves a person feeling exhausted and empty at the end of a relationship.
[00:26:45] But many of us have been there. I love you. I want you to hold onto the idea that if someone is all talk and no action, no matter how great of a person you think they can be and you are to [00:27:00] them, they're not going to flourish. More than likely, the relationship gets sustained by you because you're getting just enough action out of them to keep you interested and invested in their outcome.
[00:27:16] When you're listening to me talk about a person described in this way. I bet you're thinking that they don't sound like anybody that anyone would really be eager to get involved with. But on the flip side of their victim energy and the part of them that is easy to just take everything you can give them, they are often charismatic, they're charming.
[00:27:40] They know how to hold a conversation. They're very complimentary. They could be even like top-notch, intelligent. When I think about the birdies out there with the broken wings. I can definitely recall some people that I know who fit the mold. And if you ever dated a little birdie with a [00:28:00] broken wing, I bet you know exactly what I'm talking about.
[00:28:04] How many of you are nodding your heads with me right now as you listen to this? Because you know what that feeling is. Me! Me! Me! I know I've been there too. And That's just another reminder that I'm in this with you. This podcast is a great reminder to me of how differently I have experienced love in my life over the years due to the changes that I sort of forced myself to make so I could have a different experience.
[00:28:33] And it reminds me that I can get it right in relationships when I didn't think that I could for a long time. But we'll talk about me another day. In the meantime, I hope after You've listened to some of these episodes that I'm helping you have hope that you can get it right if you have felt that you couldn't.
[00:28:57] To celebrate the launch of Love [00:29:00] Unboxed, the podcast for the Hopeful Romantic, I've got a freebie for my first five callers. I'll send the first five people who leave me a question a free copy of My Mindful Reflections, a daily journal for better mental health. I designed this journal as a mix of narrative and data tracking pages, interrupted every 20 pages or so, with a fun coloring page to give you a little distraction from the daily grind of tracking and reflecting because we all need a break every once in a while.
[00:29:32] This journal was one that I designed for myself as a therapist with pretty strong ADHD traits, but you don't have to have ADHD to benefit from it. It was just what worked for me. And as I shared it with clients, there was a lot of positive feedback from them as well. So I want you to have your copy for free.
[00:29:52] If you're one of the first five people to leave me your relationship dilemma at love on box podcast. com. [00:30:00] And the Broken Wings Syndrome sometimes gets confused with the Savior Complex, and I don't want you to think of it that way. The primary difference between the Savior Complex and the Broken Wings Syndrome is that the Savior has a need to feel adored for their efforts or looked up to.
[00:30:18] That's not the Wing Whisperer. So the Wing Whisperer looks more altruistic. Like the Savior Complex, there is a part of their ego that is being fed, but it's not as obvious as with the Savior. The relationship built on the Broken Wing Syndrome is sustained by a dynamic that looks more parental than partner.
[00:30:38] If you have found yourself as the Broken Wing Whisperer, I want you to know these four important things. Number one, you don't need to be the one to initiate their life changes for them or teach them anything. Number two, you You don't have to upscale their life. Number [00:31:00] three, you don't need to do anything except just be you.
[00:31:06] And number four, you are enough to love as you are. You do not have to work at proving your worthiness. You just be you and let them be them and see if you are compatible as you both are today. In case it's not obvious to tell who the little birdies are out there with the broken wings. I want to share with you some of the telltale signs that you're dating a birdie with a broken wing.
[00:31:37] Number one, the person you're dating has so many reasons why their life keeps getting away from them, rather than stories that involve some sense of being responsible for their own actions. It's like stories about how a friend was going to hook him up. With a job two years ago, and it didn't work, so then he was out of work for a while.
[00:31:57] Or, the girl who was promised a [00:32:00] place to stay by another friend, but the friend moved in with her boyfriend, and it just didn't work out, or they had a fight, and, you know, she really just, you know, she can stay where she is for now, but it's just temporary. There's always an air of being on the edge of crisis in their lives.
[00:32:18] And if they can just get past that crisis, everything else is just fine, right? No, not really. But they will make it seem that way. And they truly believe it. The thing is, some people listening to this are going to think maybe the birdies with the broken wings are just narcissists. They're not. A lot of times they ended up maybe with some childhood trauma and they haven't figured out how to work through that or even know that it is something to work through and they have like really low self esteem, low self confidence and they don't know how to They don't see what they're projecting out.
[00:32:57] They don't know that they're projecting this victim [00:33:00] energy out there. They don't see themselves as needy of others, uh, but they often find themselves in these really unbalanced relationships that benefit them. Okay. So number two, they end up placing blame on others. And again, this avoids taking responsibility for their own circumstances.
[00:33:21] Might be responsibility that they don't even know is theirs to take. Number three, no one ever like quote unquote gets them or understands them and of course they're in their relationship with you and You are the person that gets them like no one else ever did and that feels really good to you It feels really good to them and it is genuine Do you hear a little pattern here that really they probably need a therapist, not a partner.
[00:33:56] Number four, there's an immediacy to their [00:34:00] bond with you. And the immediacy is because of that edge of crisis. They need you. And again, it's not because they believe that they're manipulating you. It's not usually calculated in that regard. It is that these people are. They are victims of their circumstances and they can see that and they can talk about it as all these bad things have happened to them.
[00:34:28] But instead of being proactive about what do I do to overcome that, sometimes it's because they just don't have the time or the energy because there's so many circumstances that keep happening. But they really need guidance that can help them work through whatever it is that has happened to them in those circumstances.
[00:34:49] so that they don't keep living on the edge of crisis. Now we're going to put it all together and give Jack and [00:35:00] Jenny a more empowered view of who they are and how they want to be in a relationship. And remember you can get your relationship question answered over at loveunboxpodcast. com. So Jack fits the classic criteria of a birdie with a broken wing.
[00:35:16] He doesn't seem to take responsibility for his life circumstances, He thinks his parents should be more generous with their money to help him. He isn't up front with Jenny about the fact that he has no ability to make any money and move out as things are and as he's living currently to support himself.
[00:35:34] He's vague in that communication because he is critically afraid of being judged and of being abandoned by Jenny, both of which were strong possibilities in his mind. The fear of being judged also holds him back professionally. Jack doesn't see his behaviors manipulative, Because he feels that the world is out to get him and that other people get things happening a bit easier than he does.
[00:35:58] We didn't know it when we [00:36:00] met Jack, but I can tell you that he grew up always being compared to his brother Tommy. And to Jack, Tommy was the golden child and everything came easy to him. He never felt his parents loved him like they loved Tommy. That's why when Jack would meet women like Jenny, who liked him for him, even when he was broke and felt like a failure, He fell hard for them.
[00:36:23] And in Jenny's case, He loved that she let him move in with her. He took her willingness to help support him financially as a sign that she truly loved him, because his parents did not do the same, although he wished that they would. In Jack's mind, he would dream of getting his business going with the love of Jenny at his side, and once he was financially able, he dreamed of supporting her as payback for all she's done for him.
[00:36:49] In Jenny's case, there were a lot of reasons why she was ripe and ready to fall for Jack. You see, Jenny was 30 years old, and although by no means is that old, Jenny was [00:37:00] the type of gal who had her life planned out. As we heard in the story, Jenny was on point for all of her professional and financial goals.
[00:37:09] But what we didn't hear about was the fact that she spent six years with her college sweetheart, who she thought was on track to marry her and have kids with her. The fact was that at age 23, her life seemed so on point. She dreamed of having kids with Robert, the boyfriend, but so much changed over the next few years.
[00:37:30] By the time she was 28, she had been engaged for two years already, and Jenny couldn't get Robert to commit to a wedding date. She ended up confronting him about that. Even though by that time she had wanted to confront him about it for over a year. When she did get him to talk about it, he shared with her that he loved her, but he knew that they wanted different lives.
[00:37:51] He had been afraid to tell her that he decided that he really couldn't see himself as a father. He loved her, so he didn't want to lose her, but he also knew that he couldn't go through with a [00:38:00] wedding to her under that pretense. Jenny and Robert, the college boyfriend, had so much history together, from meeting in college to launching their careers together and thinking about the future.
[00:38:13] Jenny was devastated and felt really empty. She had put all of herself into that relationship, believing that they were moving in the same direction. She was truly shocked by Robert's decision. In moving forward, she shied away from men that she thought would be more alpha, career oriented men. She was still a bit shell shocked by the breakup and wanted to make sure that she found a guy who would have time and a desire to have kids with her.
[00:38:43] She liked Jack because she thought he was scrappy. On paper, he could easily look like a trust fund baby who was just at an impasse with his parents. She knew that he came from a successful family and potentially was going to be part of that business. Jack [00:39:00] was so intelligent about business and how the world worked that she believed that his family would come around to let him be part of the business.
[00:39:07] Back when Jenny was dating Robert, her friends would show up with a guy like Jack who didn't have viable employment and had stories of how things just couldn't go right for him and how his parents just were being unfair. She was turned off by those guys. But in reflecting on this subsequent crash and burn at the end of this relationship, now with Jack as he was.
[00:39:30] She attributed her attraction to Jack on how she felt when he would tell her how much he cared about her and how special she was in the world of people who never understood him. He felt like an outcast and somehow Jenny related to him. She really did. Her entire life Jenny's parents always seemed so preoccupied with their financial problems that she didn't feel like she was important to them.
[00:39:55] This wasn't true. I mean, they were so stressed out about money because [00:40:00] they wanted her to have Everything that she wanted in life and needed, but it didn't feel that way to her when she's a kid. And that's important to think about. We have perceptions all the time. And a lot of the time, well, they're always based on what's come before.
[00:40:18] What did we learn? So she felt like an outcast and she didn't feel important to her parents. She was a smart kid and because she was watching her parents worry all the time about money. She decided early on that she was going to get good grades and go to college and get a profession that could give her a good income.
[00:40:40] But she was also used to filling in the blanks at home with her younger siblings. Because mom and dad would often be working late, she got accustomed to taking care of others before they asked and before she even got to decide if that's what she wanted to do. When she finally ended it with Jack, for as much as she felt relief, she was disappointed in herself [00:41:00] that she had invested in who she thought he could become, rather than who he was in the present moment.
[00:41:06] She felt embarrassed and realized that it was really uncomfortable for her to pretend everything was as good as Jack said it was. She had a tough time trusting her own judgment. This is because of her childhood history of being the assumed caregiver. As a child, Jenny didn't have a voice as to whether or not to say yes or no to requests to babysit or make dinner for her younger siblings.
[00:41:31] In fact, so because she didn't actually have a say in her own life, she learned to shut down her own thoughts of whatever else she might want to do with her time. It was just easier than asking mom and dad and being disappointed every time that they told her no. You know, if parents were kind about it, they would say, well, gosh, we would love for you to be able to go.
[00:41:52] to the homecoming dance, but they were working overnight to fill requests in their business, or they had to work [00:42:00] shift jobs to get by at different times. And there just wasn't any leeway for Jenny to live the life that she might want to live. She was her parents little helper. So in turn, as she got older, she carried this ability to shut down her needs into her adult relationships.
[00:42:18] Which is what we all do, that we carry what we learn as children into our adult relationships. And that's why when college boyfriend Robert wouldn't commit to a wedding date, for as much as she had a gut feeling that she should ask about it sooner than later, she shut down that thought and just waited until her breaking point.
[00:42:38] Unfortunately, that was the same thing that happened with Jack. It was only after a full year of supporting Jack with no real understanding about why his parents weren't helping him and why he wasn't getting his business going or even getting a regular full time job that she confronted him and ultimately ended the relationship with him.[00:43:00]
[00:43:00] You know, Jenny was at a point where she wanted to upgrade and kind of get into her next condo and start renting out the one that she had. And her financial plans just didn't go the way they were supposed to because she started supporting another person, which was not part of her plan. She realized that Jack really just relied on her to cover the rent and kind of put her in the role that he put his parents in and it felt like she was being taken for granted.
[00:43:28] He didn't intend to, but that's what it felt like. It was a big mess. So now, this is our final section. Now we're going to untangle this mess and look at how it could be different for both of them if they got a do over. Now, obviously, well, I think it's obvious, that both Jenny and Jack would benefit from therapy.
[00:43:52] Jenny's therapeutic work would focus on helping her find her voice. To really get in touch with who she is and what she [00:44:00] wants out of life so that she doesn't continue to go along with what her parents want or what her partners want, I should say. Parents too, even if it's not on her agenda. The other therapeutic work that would be helpful for Jenny would be to work around her fear based relationship with money.
[00:44:19] Jack could benefit from someone who also helps him come into his own. And really decide to make a choice about following into the family business, you know, whether he really wants to or not. His therapy work would also include focus on helping him build his confidence, express his needs more authentically, which in turn can help him trust others more.
[00:44:41] and recognize what the emotional signals are that someone loves him rather than sending out tests to see who's going to lend a hand when he's in need. Both Jack and Jenny would also benefit in their own therapies to work on healing their hurt from their childhoods where they both felt that there wasn't a choice [00:45:00] about how to be, as in Jenny's case, and the comparisons and high expectations of the parents in Jack's case.
[00:45:07] Their work around their parents and their childhood. would involve possibly seeing their parents through a lens of understanding and even forgiveness. As we know, Jack and Jenny both had tough parents because it was complicated. So, in the end, Jack and Jenny did at least have some very similar things in common, uh, even if they presented themselves very differently in the world, that being that they'd benefit from work on healing their childhood pain.
[00:45:37] So let's look at the do over. It's a very different story and much shorter. So here we go. In the do over, Jenny would do one of two things and this relationship would not go very far at all had Jenny explored what was going on for her before she got into a new relationship after Robert. If Jenny was really aware of her propensity to take care of problems that [00:46:00] were not hers, she would have gone on those first few dates with Jack.
[00:46:04] And when she found out that he didn't have any active business ventures and was not supporting himself, she would end up telling him that she enjoyed his company, but he just seemed to be at a different place in life than she was. In response, Jack may think that she was jumping the gun. You know, making an assumption about him, uh, and get defensive.
[00:46:24] But the fact that Jenny was all about planning and executing on goals, and Jack lived more carefree than she did, is an inherent difference in how they view the world. She would know that this lifestyle would be too reminiscent of her childhood, and would need to move on. To my hopeful Jenny's role, I hope that you hear me give you a way of being honest and authentic in a conversation like this.
[00:46:50] Because not once did Jenny mention that he didn't have a job or money to support himself. She knows this about him, but what [00:47:00] she told him was that his lifestyle of being entrepreneurial and a risk taker was too different than her very steady and planned out future and essentially her lifestyle. You know, had she mentioned and said, well, I'm not, I'm not able to date somebody if they can't support themselves, you know, she would have been seen as condescending and Jack would have gotten defensive and it wasn't necessary.
[00:47:31] She liked Jack, but part of her attraction was the excitement of the risk. Because it was novel for her and novelty is just that short usually short lived and adrenaline pumping Interesting exciting different, but it's not a sustainable trait to connect over the other option Jenny had if she were to run into Jack in the dating world and All circumstances being the same except that she had to done some self work and therapy [00:48:00] before.
[00:48:01] Here's how she might handle it if she wasn't ready to just write him off because she was having fun with him and she did find the novelty of him living so differently from her attractive. Well, the first thing she does is she notices the alarm rings off about his risky entrepreneurial lifestyle. And she overrides that alarm.
[00:48:25] So she overrides that alarm and just decides she's going to stay present, not worry about what the future is going to look like, and just take this new guy jack at face value. She would go with how he presented for each date and see what developed from there. She wouldn't worry and invest in the outcome.
[00:48:42] But when he started approaching her about staying over more and then even moving in after only two months together, uh, Instead of overriding that alarm, she would just tell him that she wasn't ready or able to do that. She would be honest with him and tell him that she was not willing to take on any part [00:49:00] of financially supporting him right now and he needed to figure out what his next move was going to be, but she would also tell him and mean it that she really enjoyed his company.
[00:49:11] So in this scenario, she would make a decision to step away when it got to that point of him needing a new place to live. And she would hope that he would manage his living situation and told him she'd welcome him back once that was settled if they were both still interested. Now, in this do over, Jenny has gone to therapy and Jack hasn't, and Jack would not be interested in getting back with Jenny.
[00:49:37] In either of these short lived ventures in dating with Jenny, Jack would not be interested in rekindling these things. He would feel insulted. He would feel like he was talked down to. He would be very defensive because that is who he is. Pre therapy, right, and unexamined life just keeps making the [00:50:00] same mistakes over and over again, but Now, let's look at if Jack had gone to therapy and wanted to break the cycle of feeling dependent on his family and decide for himself what he really wants to do with his career.
[00:50:16] Jenny learns in her therapy that she doesn't have to worry about Jack's emotional reactions. He's responsible for those. Jack is responsible for his emotions just as much as he's responsible for his own living situation or a lack of stability in his life. So in this first scenario, where Jenny is the one who has done the therapy before she goes out into the dating world, Jack ends up with some growing up to do.
[00:50:44] You know, Jack is unexamined at this point of himself. More than likely, Jack will end up feeling ashamed or embarrassed when he's receiving feedback due to his lack of confidence that he has and always feeling like he's less than because of the comparison to his brother. [00:51:00] So when Jenny remarks that the reason that she's not going to continue dating him is that You know, their lifestyles are so different because of his risk taking and her propensity for caution.
[00:51:13] He takes that as an insult. He takes it as her saying something negative about his life when really it is just a statement of, Hey, we're just two different people and look at the world differently. She didn't say her way was right or his way was wrong, but he is used to feeling that way because he feels like a victim continually of his circumstances.
[00:51:36] And even though Jenny never mentions his lack of actual income as a reason, he hears it this way. He hears the risk taking and feels the shame because he knows that he doesn't have the ability to really, he doesn't live anywhere near the kind of stable life that Jenny does. And she's [00:52:00] not comparing them.
[00:52:00] She's just stating. This is different for me and I, it's not something I can be comfortable with. And then in the second example where Jenny actually leaves the door open to Jack because she did enjoy him and wondered if maybe his more carefree and risk taking spirit would keep her interested, he hears that she thinks she's better than him and is judging him.
[00:52:24] So it doesn't go well. But now let's look real quick on Jack having done some therapy. So, it's a funny one now. Jack would not have actually ended up on a date with anybody during that time period. Had he gone to therapy and really understood who he was and what he wanted, he would be dating once he felt he understood the direction his life was going and he was willing to take responsibility for the things that were [00:53:00] happening in his life, whether he was getting ahead or not getting ahead.
[00:53:04] And he would respect that his parents had built a good business and might decide that he wants to be part of that business, but he wouldn't have that sense of entitlement. Jack on the flip side of therapy would not be asking a girlfriend if he could move in after just a couple of months solely for financial reasons.
[00:53:24] Through therapy, he learned that people respect him more when he's honest and decide to figure out the solutions to his own problems in ways that don't involve the women that he's dating. But he finds that when he avoids this and is actually honest with the women, Most of the women that he's dating still expressed empathy for him and he started to recognize feeling cared for by them Without them having to solve his problems or lend a financial hand.
[00:53:52] Well, there you have it We have fully unboxed the broken wing syndrome and I'm confident that you would [00:54:00] recognize a birdie with a broken wing if you run into one and You'd recognize if you start stepping in to become the wing whisperer, if that's your propensity You So if you related to this and connected to what I had to say, I'd love for you to hit the like button before you close the show down for the day.
[00:54:17] And if you know someone who could benefit from hearing it, pass it on to them. So this wraps up episode one of Love Unboxed, the podcast for the hopeful romantic. To connect with me and even get your relationship question answered on a future episode, remember to go to loveunboxpodcast. com. You'll be able to leave me your voicemail with your questions.
[00:54:38] Oh, and I'd also love to get some feedback. Would you like about the show? What do you want to hear about? Is there some point that you wanted me to address on a topic that I didn't cover? And also at the website of loveonboxpodcast. com, you can find all the episodes as they go live and links to my social [00:55:00] media and other ways to support the show.
[00:55:02] And lastly, before I get going, I do need to say that any characters I talk about like today's Jack and Jenny are totally made up by me. These are not real people, but are conglomerations of people that I have met over the years through life, through therapy, whatever means. And all the names are made up by me and any similarity to any persons alive or dead is unintentional and purely coincidental.
[00:55:29] On that note, I do hope you enjoyed it and we'll come back to check out future episodes as they go live. Until then, let's keep hope alive.