Hopeful Romantic relationship therapist Dr. Colleen tackles the question: "Should you solve your partner's problems for them? " She unboxes the topic and explains what happens when you solve your partner's problems for them. The result may not be what you might think. Listen to a case example and then get practical advice that anyone can apply in their relationship. S1, E 03
Love Unboxed, Season 1, Episode 003: How to Support Your Partner without Solving Their Problems
What Happens When You Solve Your Partner's Problems for Them?
Episode Title: Supporting Your Partner Without Solving Their Problems
Host: Dr. Colleen Mullen, Hopeful Romantic & Relationship Expert
Episode Overview: In today’s episode of Love Unboxed, we’re tackling a dilemma that many of us face in relationships: should you solve your partner's problems or just listen? This is an episode built around our first caller question, submitted by Mike, who asks whether it's better to offer solutions or simply support your partner when they're stressed.
Dr. Colleen dives into why jumping in to "fix" things isn't always helpful, and how being a good listener can strengthen your connection. She shares practical questions you can ask your partner when they’re dealing with stress, helping them work through their emotions without feeling pressured. Plus, she gives an example from a couple’s therapy session to illustrate how avoiding the urge to solve every problem can lead to deeper emotional intimacy.
Key Takeaways:
Example from a Couple's Session: Dr. Colleen shares the story of a successful couple who struggled to connect because the husband carried work stress home. Through conversation, he revealed irrational fears that were impacting his mood, even though the reality was much less dire. They learned to check in with each other daily, which helped them reconnect and work as a team.
Listener Question:
Mike asks if it’s better to solve your partner's problems or just listen. Dr. Colleen explores this common relationship challenge, offering guidance on how to balance support and problem-solving.
Actionable Advice:
Call to Action:
Do you have a dating or relationship dilemma you’d like Dr. Colleen to discuss on the show? Leave a voicemail at LoveUnboxedPodcast.com. You get five minutes to tell your story!
Connect with Dr. Colleen:
Next Steps:
Think about where you might be stuck in your relationship or dating life. Are you always looking to fix, or are you ready to listen and connect more deeply? Until next time, let’s keep hope alive!
[00:00:00] (Voices talking over each other): Hi, Dr. Mullen. Hello, Dr. Colleen. My question for you, Dr. Mullen, and my question for you is, which probably hits at the beginning of our relationship, do you still hold out hope for finding love or improving the love you have? Well, Love Unboxed is the place for you. Welcome to Love Unboxed, the podcast for the hopeful romantic.
[00:00:25] (Show Intro) Your host is Dr. Colleen Mullen. She's been helping her clients find love and stay [00:00:30] in love. And now she wants to share what she knows with you. Dr. Colleen is here to sprinkle a little magic on your love life. Get ready folks because today we're diving into a brand new unboxing adventure. Let's join Dr.[00:00:44] Colleen and embrace the adventure that awaits.
Well hello and welcome to the show. I'm fellow hopeful romantic and your host Dr. Colleen. I'm so excited to bring you today's episode for a couple of reasons. [00:01:00] Number one, Because it's our first caller on the message line and I'm building the episode around our caller's question.
[00:01:08] And number two, because our caller has a dilemma that I think many of you will relate to. And in fact, it even came up in a session yesterday. And remember, if you have a dating or relationship conundrum that you'd like help with, Go to loveunboxedpodcast.com and leave me a voicemail with your question. I want to help you have more of the love [00:01:30] that you want in your life.
[00:01:31] On that note, let's get into it and hear what's on our caller's mind.
[00:01:39] Hi, my name is Mike and my relationship question is if you're in a relationship and your partner has a challenge. Is it a good idea just to solve that challenge for them? Are you better off just listening to them and hearing them out as opposed to going straight to, you know, finding a [00:02:00] solution for that particular problem?
[00:02:01] That's a great question, Mike. Thanks for that. You know, this is a question that comes up so much in my work. And just like Mike sounded, it can be stressful to know what to do in those situations. So should you solve your partner's problems for them? Well, the short answer is generally no, don't do it.
[00:02:22] Jumping right in to solve your partner's problems doesn't often help your partner fix anything when they're actually [00:02:30] stressed. In the course of a relationship, you and your partner will have lots of life dilemmas that come up that cause stress and chaos. When the person that we love is in distress and has a problem, of course, we want to help them relieve that.
[00:02:45] And there are lots of times when you may be presented with an opportunity right away. to help them resolve their problem. But here's why you don't want to do that right off the bat. When our partner has a problem somewhere in their life, let's say [00:03:00] an issue with a co worker, of course we want to help them get to where they can get to resolution.
[00:03:07] But first, we want to be more of what they actually need and less of what we think they need. That's important. Be more of what they actually need and less of what we think they need. I'm going to give you some questions you can ask your partner to help them pull out the stress from inside so that [00:03:30] maybe they can calm down a little bit, be more relaxed in the evening.
[00:03:34] Maybe they can start thinking about their own ways of problem solving. You know, we're not really good at problem solving when our head is filled with the stress of the actual problem. And then also with you. Being able to sit and support your partner without problem solving, you're actually learning more about your partner.
[00:03:57] You're learning about how they think, [00:04:00] you're learning about what stumps them up in life, and they're getting to have the experience of you being there for them in a way that isn't the cycle that couples can get into where somebody says, Oh my gosh, this person at work just.
[00:04:22] And, you know, if you're a natural problem solver, like, you know, a lot of us might be, we might go, Hey, well, what [00:04:30] about this? Or did you try this? Or did you talk to them about this? That might not be what they need. A lot of times when people are stressed, and they do start sharing with their partner, The big reason why you don't want to go into problem solving is because they need to just vent.
[00:04:50] They don't actually, they're not actually asking or soliciting help from you. They're just sharing and sharing is so important. [00:05:00] So what I'm going to do is give you a couple of questions that you can ask your partner to help draw out the dilemma that they're stressed over. And I'm going to give you a clear example of.
[00:05:13] Why it's so important to ask some of these questions. Okay, the first question I want you to ask your partner is, what has you so stressed about the conflict? Or what is stressing you out about this situation? [00:05:30] And it might be really clear because they're saying, Oh my gosh, this thing is stressing me out.
[00:05:35] But ask it anyway, they'll tell you. And then the next question. That I want you to ask them is, what is the worst thing that could happen if the situation does not change? Such a pivotal question. It's one that I love so much that both myself and my husband, we use it with each other. [00:06:00] When one of us has, uh, starts venting about something, you know, sometimes we shortcut it and we just jump to that question altogether.
[00:06:08] It's such a helpful question. So at the end of this conversation where you've been helping your partner release some of their stress by being curious about what's going on for them and what they're worried about, you'll get to ask the question about problem solving. Once you hear, you know, a [00:06:30] fair amount of their stress and you think that they've gotten it all out, you can ask them if they feel like you understand what they're going through right now, and if they say, well, yeah, I think so.
[00:06:42] Okay. Great. If they say, I, I don't know, and say, well, is there anything else that you'd want me to know about what's going on for you? They can give you more information, but then you say, would you like some help with this? Would you like to know what my ideas might be? When [00:07:00] you get to that question, that's where you also empower your partner to say, no, I just needed to vent and it feels good to do that.
[00:07:09] So thank you. Or yes. I would love to shoot some ideas past you or see what thoughts you have on the situation. Sure, it could be helpful. So let's get into the example from a couple I worked with many years ago. So I was working with this couple who [00:07:30] were both very successful in their own right, in their own careers, uh, and very financially stable, even had a few investment properties, which is relevant to the story.
[00:07:41] And they came in for counseling. Um, around the topic of, we're just not connecting anymore. And in particular, the wife didn't feel that the husband shared enough of what went on inside his mind with her because he would be stressed [00:08:00] out a lot of the time and they both had very high stress jobs. And so it sort of came with the territory, but he wasn't good at letting it out or figuring out what to do with his own stress.
[00:08:11] So he often just kind of brooded in the evenings. and it was wearing on the relationship. So I'm guiding them through a couple of questions, teaching them how to help draw out the problem from the partner. And when we get to the question [00:08:30] regarding what is the worst thing that could happen to you in this situation, the husband looks at me and he says, do you want me to just tell her the reality of the situation, what I know will happen, or Do you want to know, like, the crazy that's going on in my brain that is driving me nuts?
[00:08:49] And I said, well, of course, why don't you tell her both? And so he said, the reality is that once I [00:09:00] do this thing that I'm stressed about, it'll be fine. Even if I think I messed up, no one else will notice because I know I obsess on how I present things to people. I've done this a hundred times, I'll do it a hundred times more, and the reality is absolutely nothing about my day, let alone my life, will change.
[00:09:23] However, why I get stuck in my head is that I literally think [00:09:30] that I'm three steps away from homelessness and financial ruin because I worry that if I don't present things well, I'm going to immediately lose my job. And, you know, it's a hop, skip and a jump to be homeless. For this couple, that was actually quite laughable because they, they weren't even close to being financially stressed.
[00:09:55] And the reality is that this man's job was very secure. And if I [00:10:00] remember, he might've been one of the principal owners of the company. So it wasn't like he was really risking anything, but he was so consumed with how much He did when he had to be in front of people and present things to maybe the, uh, staff or people at outside entities that the business deals with, that he would get so worked up in his head that he would literally write himself out of a job and then out of all of his other [00:10:30] assets.
[00:10:30] So in reflecting on this with the couple and the dynamic and what had been missing, the husband said that he. Knew he had irration, what he's calling irrational thoughts, which they are, and we all kind of have them at some time, sometimes, and, and he knew that like everything would be fine if he could just get through the task.
[00:10:51] But sometimes these tasks are like five days away. Sometimes they're two weeks away. Sometimes they're six months away. And he would still carry that with him [00:11:00] like a cloud. And it was altering how he interacted with his wife in the evening because he'd be stuck in his mind. And the wife on her end, she was just absolutely floored that her very confident, successful husband was literally scared that he was going to do something that could jeopardize their whole life together.
[00:11:25] So in the end, they got into a practice of [00:11:30] having a conversation at the end of every day, checking in with each other. Was there anything that was bothering them, stressing them out about outside entities, you know? Uh, people that they dealt with, even things like traffic. Some people carry the stress of the day generally.
[00:11:49] And they did this for a few weeks as I prescribed them to do it. And they reported back that after these few weeks, it was starting to [00:12:00] feel like more something that they looked forward to. And what they looked forward to was number one, they are connecting with each other on a deeper level than they had been.
[00:12:13] Each person got to fulfill a different role to the other. One of them got to say, Hey, I need, I need some support. I need a reflecting, uh, board. The other one got to be the supportive partner who could listen without shutting them [00:12:30] down. And that's where you have more connectedness, more working as a team, and also the ability to have autonomy to also say, gosh, thanks for letting me vent.
[00:12:43] That's all I really needed right now. I know that the situation can resolve itself, or I've got ideas and I'm going to handle it. It just felt good to get it out. So for Mike and all the other hopeful romantics out there who struggle with not knowing what to do other than [00:13:00] suggest solutions for your partner's problems.
[00:13:02] I hope that this is helpful. I encourage you to try it out. Let me know how it goes. And now we're at the end of our episode. Think about it. Where are the obstacles in your relationship life? You could be dating, you could be perpetually single, in a long term relationship. Where are the stuck points for you when it comes to relationships?
[00:13:25] Just go to loveunboxpodcast. com, click on the link to leave me a [00:13:30] voice message online. And remember, you get five whole minutes to tell me your dilemma. All right. In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram. I'm at Dr. Colleen Mullen. And if you want to work with me on your relationship dilemmas, more up close and virtual, actually, you can find me at my business page.
[00:13:51] Coaching through chaos. com from this hope for romantic to you until next time, [00:14:00] let's keep hope alive.