Have you ever caught feelings for someone so early on in the relationship that you questioned your own judgment? Join Dr. Colleen as she explores what happens to our brains when we believe we are in love, but we haven't gotten to know our new love so well yet. Did you know that parts of our brain that can protect us and help us regulate emotions shut down when we are in love? If you have fallen hard and fast for someone and it didn't work out, listen to this episode so you can understand what's happening in the future. This is the path to getting more of the love you want in your life. Leave your love & dating questions for dr Colleen at LoveUnboxedPodcast.com
Episode 9: Ted: How Soon is Too Soon to Tell someone How You Feel?
Segment 1: Why This Question Hits So Hard
So I know I’ve been in those feelings before and had to consider how to handle it.Have you?
Timing is everything in love... and also completely out of our control.
We live in a culture of swipe fatigue and dating app burnout, where emotional intimacy is often delayed, feared, or even ghosted. So when you do catch feelings early—especially if you are who’s emotionally mature, maybe even a bit relationship weary—it can feel like a risk to say so.
Having feelings for someone early on is not the problem. It’s what you do with those feelings—and when—that makes all the difference
Segment 2: What the Research Says
Research in relationship psychology has shown us that the early stages of dating are a cocktail of brain chemistry and attachment triggers. In fact, a study published in The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that people tend to idealize new romantic partners during the first 3 to 5 dates, due to something called the “halo effect.” This means we often project what we hope someone is, rather than who they actually are.
In another study by Two other neurochemicals that appear at higher concentrations when a person is in love are oxytocin and vasopressin. Based on findings from animal research, Prof. Zeki noted that both of these chemical messengers facilitate bonding and are associated with the brain’s reward system.
But he also pointed out that in romantic love, a small brain area called the amygdalaTrusted Source becomes deactivated. The amygdala is the part of the brain that coordinates fear responses, helping humans stay safe in potentially dangerous situations.
The fact that it becomes deactivated when a person is in love also means that fear responses are dampened. The researchers also added that the decrease in activity in another brain region — called the frontal cortex — may explain why people can be “blind” to red flags shown by a potential romantic partner as they are falling in love.
What does that mean? Those strong feelings may be just as much about your hopes and unmet needs as they are about the actual person in front of you.
Add to that, studies in attachment theory show that those with anxious attachment styles may feel compelled to express emotions quickly in the hopes of creating emotional security. Whereas those with avoidant styles may retreat the moment they sense someone else is “catching feelings.”
So what’s “too soon” for one person might feel just right—or terrifying—to another.
Attachment Styles: Anxious and avoidant attachment styles.
Segment 3: A Story We All Know Too Well
I can't even tell you how many examples I have of people, including myself, who felt strong feelings early on and have either wanted to express them or did. Im going to share a couple of short stories.
Let me tell you about Maya— late 30s, successful in her career, independent, but struggling in love. She met someone on Hinge who seemed different—he texted regularly, made plans, and remembered little details about her day. By date three, Maya felt “something real” and told him, “I think I’m starting to like you.”
His response? “Whoa. That’s fast. I’m not sure I’m there yet.”
Can you guess what happened next? He pulled back, and Maya spiraled into self-doubt.
And then we have John, because, as demonstrated by our caller Ted, guys struggle with this issue too.
John is a guy who has a lot going for him: good-looking, somewhat successful, in touch with his emotions. He enjoys dating, but his history is that of someone who catches feelings quickly. The last 3 women he dated for various amounts of weeks or months were hot and heavy, together several days a week, with an expectation of seeing them every weekend, right after the first date. But the longest relationship he’s had in the last 3 years has only been for 4 months. He doesn’t understand why they fizzle out so fast.
Result: Both feel disappointed that their love lives have left them feeling like they are the cause of the problem. They aren't, but their thinking needs to change.
Segment 4: Feeling vs. Revealing
Here’s the reframe I want to offer:
It’s never “too soon” to have feelings. But it can be too soon to expect those feelings to be reciprocated—or to use them as a way to define the relationship.
It’s okay to say, “I’m enjoying getting to know you,” or “I feel a connection and I’m curious to explore this.” That’s not the same as dropping the L-bomb or asking someone to commit on week two.
Ask yourself:
Segment 5: Tips for Navigating Early Emotions
Here’s what I recommend if you’re feeling the itch to tell someone how you feel:
Segment 6: Call to Action
Real intimacy isn’t built in declarations. It’s built in shared experience, mutual respect, and time.
If this conversation resonated with you, I want to hear from you. Head over to Instagram instagram.com/DrColleenMullen and let me know: Have you ever told someone you had feelings "too soon"? What happened?
And if you’re loving Love, Unboxed, don’t forget to follow, rate, and share the podcast with someone who needs to hear this message today.
Until next time, remember:
You don’t have to rush into love to be worthy of it.
Trust the process. Let the connection unfold.
Love Unboxed, Ep 9, Ted, How Soon is too Soon
[00:00:00] Hi, Dr. Mullin. Hello, Dr. Collin. And my question, my question for you is, which probably hits at the beginning of our relationship,
[00:00:14] do you still hold out hope for finding love or improving the love you have? Well, love Unboxed is the place for you. Welcome to Love Unboxed, the podcast for the Hopeful romantic. Your host is Dr. Colleen Mullen. She's been helping her clients find love and stay [00:00:30] in love. And now she wants to share what she knows with you.
[00:00:34] Dr. Colleen is here to sprinkle a little magic on your love life. Get ready, folks, because today we're diving into a brand new unboxing adventure. Let's join Dr. Colleen and embrace the adventure that awaits.
[00:00:50] Welcome, my fellow Hopeful Romantics. I hope that wherever this finds you, the sun is shining on your slice of the sky. Thanks for joining [00:01:00] me today. If you really are following closely, you'll know that I'm a little bit late in getting this episode out for the month of May because it's already June. I try to produce one episode a month, but this month.
[00:01:13] I overloaded myself with some work and over committed. So the podcast ended up a farther down the line than I expected, but it was all in an effort of finishing up something else I'd been working on in the background. So after [00:01:30] 17 years of being found as coaching through chaos.com, I've launched a brand new website.
[00:01:37] To house all the work that I do, and my new website is dr colleen mullen.com and that's where you can find out how to book a session with me, how to hire me to speak at your function or look at the work that I do in leadership development or even my weekend retreats for couples. So it's also where all the other products are that I do, including the blog, [00:02:00] the podcast.
[00:02:01] Books, you can still of course, go to love unbox podcast.com to leave me your dating relationship questions. But coaching through chaos was really my online home for the last 17 years and I outgrew that home. It's a calculated risk to trash a website you've had online for 17 years. But I'm kind of a risk taker and I like calculated risks.
[00:02:28] For me, it was [00:02:30] well worth it to have my work on a website that's in line with the work that I do today, because of course, just like many people, the way that we do our work and what we do and what we focus on in our work often changes over the years, and mine just changed so much that it was time for just a whole new online home.
[00:02:54] I mentioned my blog because I did have an old blog, and again, [00:03:00] everything's gone off the internet. In the new form of my blog, I'll be writing about relationships, leadership skills, A DHD, and general self-improvement topics for women. If any of this is of interest to you. I invite you to check it out and even sign up for my mailing list so you stay notified of new episodes of podcast, new books, new blog posts, or anything else that's going on when they launch.
[00:03:25] But getting back to the podcast and what you're here for at [00:03:30] Love Unboxed, we're gonna be unpacking sometimes the messy, sometimes the magical, and sometimes even the maddening parts of. Finding and staying in love and making sure that you are getting more of the love that you want. And today we've got a topic that I think a lot of people have experienced before.
[00:03:50] It's a topic that stirs up a lot of anxiety and the person having the feelings. And on the other side, it's something else that when [00:04:00] it's expressed, it can leave them open to a lot of scrutiny by others. Have you ever caught feelings for someone? Really early in a relationship, you know, you get excited to see them.
[00:04:13] You think about them between dates. You wanna be around them all the time, but you also know that you haven't really been with them all that long, but you wish you could just time travel ahead and get on with your life with them because you're pretty [00:04:30] convinced that they're the person for you. If you relate to that topic, stick with me today because.
[00:04:38] Deciding what to do or how to express those feelings or when to do that, is what we're gonna be talking about. So let's get into our question. And today we have a call from Hopeful Romantic. Ted, let's get into it.[00:05:00]
[00:05:00] Hey Dr. Colleen. My name is Teddy and I had a question about. How soon is too soon to tell someone that you have feelings for them? Been dating a girl for almost four months now. Um, and she's had some past relationship trauma and most recently she was love bombed and uh, I don't want to come on too strong, so I'm wondering when is the right time?
[00:05:29] Um, how long [00:05:30] should I wait? Or should I just leave it alone and let her tell me she loves me if she has feelings for me?
[00:05:44] Thanks for that question, Teddy. Now the answer to Teddy's question is not so cut and dry. Timing is so important in many aspects of a relationship. The timing of our communication, the timing of [00:06:00] our feelings. The timing of where our life stages are when we meet. That being said, that timing is inevitably out of our control, and because we live in a culture of swipe fatigue and dating app burnout, emotional intimacy is often delayed these days.
[00:06:20] Many people are scared of it. It takes a little while to trust someone else. They're fearful of letting themselves. Feel strong emotions [00:06:30] due to past heartbreaks maybe. And then when someone does catch some feelings, some really intense ones early on, that may be reason enough for them to bolt and abandon the relationship.
[00:06:45] It doesn't make any sense, but a lot of people get ghosted a little while after they start and it's not necessarily 'cause the person doesn't like them. Sometimes people are just. Averse to intense emotions. [00:07:00] And if you're listening and that has happened to you, that is not a sign of emotional maturity. So don't spend any time going, oh, I knew they had strong feelings about me.
[00:07:12] They might have, but, but when they abandoned, because they, they don't want to feel intense emotions. We don't want that person as a partner. I want you to hear this. Having feelings for someone early [00:07:30] on is not the problem. It's what you do with those feelings and when you do something about those feelings, that makes the difference.
[00:07:44] Research and relationship psychology has shown us that during the early stages of dating, our brain becomes like a cocktail. Of chemistry and attachment triggers. In fact, a study [00:08:00] published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that people tend to idealize new romantic partners during the first three to five dates.
[00:08:10] You hear that how quickly it happens, and this is due to something called the Halo Effect. This is a sign that we project. What we hope someone is rather than who they actually are, because we don't know who [00:08:30] they actually are In three to five dates in another study, two other neurochemicals appear at higher concentrations when a person is in love, oxytocin, and vasopressin.
[00:08:44] These make for a cocktail of love attachment sexual attraction. Pair bonding in the brain. These are chemicals that facilitate bonding and are associated with the brain's reward system. [00:09:00] Oxytocin is the chemical that gets released when a mother looks at her baby. You know, I think we've all heard that example.
[00:09:08] When you start to fall in love with someone, of course it gets released then too. And when you've been with your partner. You know them and you are happy with them, and you look into your partner's eyes, you release it as well, and lots of other times in your relationship life when you are [00:09:30] safely and securely in love.
[00:09:32] But it can happen before you are literally safely and securely in love. It can happen in the beginning because it's just a feedback loop. You feel good, you feel. These intense feelings for another person, you wanna bond with them. It's releasing. And then we have vasopressin, which helps facilitate our attachment to our new love and has us wanting to protect them.[00:10:00]
[00:10:00] These things sound really nice, right? But here's something to consider for as much as those chemicals are there. So you have this really nice feelings, this really nice. Feel good. Cocktail going on in your brain. A couple of major parts of our brain actually shut down when we are in love. The amygdala and the frontal cortex take a nap when we are in love [00:10:30] and this isn't necessarily good for us, and that's because the amygdala is the part of the brain that helps regulate our fear responses.
[00:10:39] Helps us know when something is safe or unsafe, and to determine that. And the frontal cortex plays an important role in regulating our emotions, our social behavior, and even our impulse control. So let's put this all together and see how that can play out in the early stage of a relationship.[00:11:00]
[00:11:06] So if we are overrun with oxytocin and vasopressin, we send signals to our amygdala and our frontal cortex that they're not needed because we're safe. However, if the signals are sent to soon, we're left vulnerable to missing red flags or impulsively moving in with someone or even [00:11:30] eloping with them before we truly understand or even know who they are.
[00:11:35] Of course we're vulnerable to being victimized when we don't see and act on red flags and are overinvesting in the projection of the idealized version of who we think this person is. On top of that, let's add attachment theory into the mix. Studies and attachment theory show that those with anxious attachment styles [00:12:00] may feel compelled to express emotions quickly.
[00:12:04] In the hopes of creating emotional security, I want you to hear that again. They express their emotions quickly because they think that it is creating emotional security, and then those with avoidance styles may actually retreat. The moment that someone says that they're catching feelings, the avoidant attachment person needs time if they're going to commit to [00:12:30] someone.
[00:12:30] Conversely, the person with the anxious attachment style needs to find the patience to wait out the development of a secure, safe relationship. So when you think about it from attachment styles, what is too soon for one person might feel right to another person who is anxiously attached, or it's terrifying to the person who is avoidantly attached.
[00:12:58] And now I'm gonna tell you a couple of [00:13:00] stories. I can't tell you how many people, how many examples I have over the years of people who, including myself, who felt those strong feelings early on and have either wanted to express them or did. And I wanna remind you that anytime I mention someone as a client, I am talking about a conglomeration of personality traits that make into a person like this.
[00:13:29] I [00:13:30] am not talking directly about anybody I actually saw as a therapy client. Names and identities are totally changed. So now I'm gonna tell you about Maya. And Maya was a client that I work with who was in her thirties. She was successful in her career, very independent, but she struggled in love. This time she met someone on Hinge.
[00:13:57] She thought he was different. He [00:14:00] texted her on a regular basis. He made plans with her. He remembered little details about her day, and by date three, Maya felt like what she thought was something real. She told him, I think I'm really starting to like you now. Remember, she was on date three, and that's when we idealize this new person, his response.
[00:14:26] To her statement of how she was feeling [00:14:30] was, oh, like, that's really fast. I'm not really sure I'm there yet. You know what happened next? He pulled back, pulled away from Maya, and Maya spiraled into self-doubt. And then we have John John's a guy that has a lot going for him. He's an emotive guy. You know, he's in touch with his feelings.
[00:14:55] He expresses them. He thinks it's good to express them. He enjoys [00:15:00] dating, but his history is that of someone who catches feelings really quickly. He's starting to feel a bit guarded though because it seems like the last three women he dated for various amounts of weeks or months, they were initially amazing.
[00:15:16] Right away they were together several days a week with an expectation of seeing each other every weekend right after the first date. And that's something that normally builds up. We don't just expect to see the person we just met every [00:15:30] weekend and spend all of our time with them, but that's when those intense feelings are there early.
[00:15:36] They're being acted on when it's more of a projection rather than based on what is actually happening. It's out of an insecurity, right? That's that insecure attachment. The anxious attachment style. John's feelings show up quickly and often the women reciprocate, you know, they, he tell them he's feeling strong feelings for them and they'll say, oh, [00:16:00] me too.
[00:16:01] But the longest relationship he is had in the last three years. Has only been for four months. He doesn't understand why they fizzle out so fast.
[00:16:19] It's so disheartening when you think this must be it, and you move forward fast only to have the relationship fizzle out so quickly. I've [00:16:30] definitely been there in times of my life. And do those couple little stories, do they remind you of yourself or maybe someone you've dated? Maya and John's feelings were real, but they keep getting stuck because they believed that expressing their feelings would secure the relationships rather than waiting to see how the relationship developed.
[00:16:55] You know, that's said jump ahead, move here. If I can get them to buy in. [00:17:00] Endorse that they're feeling the same way I am, then I can relax and feel more secure in this relationship. That's not how it works. Knowing about what happens with those good feelings getting released into the brain, and then the amygdala and the frontal cortex shutting down, we can see the lack of impulse control and the increase in the anxiety things.
[00:17:26] The frontal cortex would've helped regulate.[00:17:30]
[00:17:35] So here's the reframe that I wanna offer you about. When is too soon? Instead of too soon, I want you to think it's never too soon to have the feelings right, 'cause those feelings are real. But it can be too soon to expect those feelings to be reciprocated. Or to use them as a way of defining the relationship.
[00:17:58] See, when you're [00:18:00] dating, what defines the relationship as you move towards love is how well you connect things that you have in common. Similar value systems, you make each other laugh. You enjoy some of the same things. That's what defines your connection. And when you're together many years, then you define your relationship by the love that you have for each other.
[00:18:28] 'cause that encompasses [00:18:30] all of that. But when you're only a couple of weeks in with someone, even a couple of months, you don't have that history that defines what your love is. So in this reframe, it's not too soon to express your feelings. It's okay to say, I'm enjoying getting to know you, or I feel a connection and I'm curious to explore this.
[00:18:55] It's not the same as dropping a love bomb or asking someone to commit on [00:19:00] week two. So when you're thinking about expressing those feelings, here's a question to ask yourself. Am I saying this to connect or to control the situation or to control my emotions? You know, is this one of those things that you're doing out of wanting to get their endorsement and know you don't have to talk about who's gonna be exclusive and who's getting off the apps and when they're getting off the apps.[00:19:30]
[00:19:30] So that's what I mean by control. And then the other question is, do I wanna share my emotions? Am I doing that just because I wanna share or am I hoping that this will push the relationship forward? I. Because again, when you're anxiously attached, you want to know what the outcome is gonna be so that you then invest in feeling safe and committing to it.
[00:19:55] But that is not how life works. I. All right, so [00:20:00] next up is what can you do about navigating those early emotions? Here's what I recommend when you're feeling the itch to tell someone how you feel when it's still a little too early in the relationship. Number one, check in with yourself first. Are these feelings rooted in real connection or in hope?
[00:20:25] Is it about them or your fantasy of being in a [00:20:30] relationship with them or your fantasy of being in a relationship? Number two, observe their behavior. In talking with people all the time about why it's important to slow down in your assessment of whether or not you're gonna be with somebody long term.
[00:20:51] You need to know if they are showing up consistently or are they who they tell you that they are? Are they engaging [00:21:00] emotionally? Do they treat you with respect? If you're having a bad day, how do they respond When you express how you're feeling, if they're having a bad day, how do they engage you or do they engage you?
[00:21:15] Do they just not call you or blow off plans, right? That would all fall under treating you with respect anyway, but it takes time for us to know that someone is living up to their own hype that they tell you about [00:21:30] themselves. I want you to remember this. Feelings. Or feelings, and they could be mutual or they're not, but the behavior patterns don't lie.
[00:21:41] So you can trust the behavior. You wanna trust the behavior. You wanna know that disappointment you felt when they were two hours late and they didn't bother to text or call and just thought they could make it up once they showed up. Trust that feeling. [00:22:00] 'cause that is an indicator it will start to cloud your idealized version of them.
[00:22:06] That's why I don't want you to act on the idealized version that you project onto them early on. You need to experience what they're bringing to the table and how it blends with what you're bringing to the table. Alright? Number three, use emotionally safe language instead of, I have feelings for you.
[00:22:29] How [00:22:30] about try, I'm enjoying this and wanna keep seeing where it goes. See now that. Opens the door for feelings, being there without putting pressure on the other person. Because if you're just saying, I'm enjoying this, and wanna keep seeing where it goes, you know, that's an easy Me too. When you know you've been having a good time with the person and they are starting to show you that they are who they say they are.
[00:22:56] They are treating you with respect and all those good things [00:23:00] that build trust and security in a relationship, but I have feelings for you, kind of a statement that you know to get that endorsement back. That might be something that they're not able to reciprocate in words at that time because they're wanting to stay cautious about the connection because it is too early.
[00:23:22] But I'm enjoying this. Yeah, that's an easy one and safe one that someone can endorse with you. Okay? [00:23:30] Number four, I don't want you to confuse vulnerability with obligation sharing how you feel is brave. However, it does not mean that the other person has to match you on your timeline, right? Be as brave as you wanna be.
[00:23:50] I mean, I'm giving you options so that you can do it in a more safe way. But if you're just like, wow, well, I wanna [00:24:00] say what I feel when I feel it. Okay. But then you can't obligate the other person to match you on your exact timeline. You have to give space for them to discover how they feel on their own, and that's okay.
[00:24:20] Rationally, we understand that because we don't expect that in other ways. But if you are gonna say, gosh, I [00:24:30] feel so strongly for you right now, like I can't get over this connection with you. And they say, oh, that's very nice. I appreciate that. If you're not ready for that to be a good enough answer, then I would look at.
[00:24:46] Your motivation in sharing the feelings. So in wrapping this up today, when is too soon to tell someone that you have feelings for them? Well, the short answer is [00:25:00] when you're using that confession as a shortcut to closeness or to avoid that uncertain feeling when you're in the early relationship stage.
[00:25:10] And remember, check in with yourself. Observe their behavior. Use emotionally safe language and don't confuse vulnerability with obligation. And if you're following along that path, you'll be able to regulate those emotions much easier and understand where your own motivation and [00:25:30] where it comes from.
[00:25:32] I'll be curious. If you tell your best friend you're in love with the person that you're dating right now, are they gonna say, but you just met them? Or haven't you only been dating a couple of weeks? Or I thought they just broke up with somebody a couple of months ago. If that's gonna be your best friend's answer, then it probably is too soon.
[00:25:54] So if that's the case, what happens if you decide, I'm just [00:26:00] gonna go with the safe expression for now, and I can manage the angst on my own and see what happens? I'm gonna tell you this. You're angst for anxiety. It will spike. In that moment when you, when you do it different, because sometimes you're used to doing it and you get that endorsement back, but if the relationship history is such that you get those endorsements early on and they don't last, then really what value [00:26:30] does getting the endorsement back have of.
[00:26:34] I want you to remember that real intimacy, real closeness, real love isn't built in declarations about saying how you feel. It's important, but the ability to be authentically intimate with someone is built in shared experiences, mutual respect. Time to develop this relationship. [00:27:00] Now listen, if you're someone who feels these big feelings fast, I want you to know that like nothing's wrong with you, you're wired for wanting to feel a deep connection quickly with someone.
[00:27:12] The key to this is learning how to pace your vulnerability in a way that keeps you safe, grounded, and emotionally open. Now, if this episode resonated with you. I wanna hear from you. Head over to Instagram and you can find me at Dr. Colleen [00:27:30] Mullen and let me know. Have you ever told someone that you had feelings like quote unquote too soon?
[00:27:36] And what happened? You know, what's your thoughts on this? I'm gonna have a post. If you're seeing this episode, the post is already on Instagram and it says that, have you ever caught feelings and wanted to express them when you thought it was too early? And of course, if you have your own relationship question or dating dilemma, ask me, [00:28:00] go to Love on box podcast.com and leave me your voicemail.
[00:28:05] Leave me as many details as you want. You get five whole minutes to leave me whatever information you want me to have about your situation. I wanna help you have more of the love that you want in your life. So if. You've gotten this far. I would love for you to click the follow button and join me on future episodes and even catch up on some of the ones that we've already put out.
[00:28:29] I think [00:28:30] this is episode eight or nine. I really appreciate the time that you've taken outta your busy day to listen to this, and I hope that if you needed to hear this message, it resonated with you. And heck even share it with a friend. If you know someone else could use this message today, I. It is. I'm gonna leave you with this thought for today.
[00:28:51] You don't have to rush into love to be worthy of [00:29:00] it.