What do you do when your partner’s longtime friend seems to hate you—and your partner doesn’t see the problem? In this episode, I break down the subtle but exhausting tension that can come from navigating a strained relationship with your partner’s close friend. Learn the psychology behind it, why it happens more than we admit, and five tools to protect your peace, set boundaries, and talk to your partner without blame. It’s time to unbox this quiet relationship dilemma—together. Join me, licensed therapist & fellow Hopeful Romantic, Dr. Colleen Mullen on another unboxing journey! Leave me your relationship questions at oveunboxedpodcast.com
EPISODE 10: “Me, You, and the Friend I Can’t Stand: Navigating Tension with Your Partner’s Bestie”
Do you feel like your partner’s friend never liked you, and it’s only gotten more awkward over time?
You’re not imagining it, and you’re definitely not alone.
In this episode of Love, Unboxed, I answer a listener’s question about how to handle a long-standing strain with her husband’s close friend—a man who seems to dislike her and has a way of making group gatherings uncomfortable. She likes his girlfriend, enjoys game nights with friends, and doesn’t want to make waves... but Tom's behavior continues to get under her skin.
It’s a dilemma I hear often: What do you do when you don’t get along with your partner’s best friend?
Together, we’ll unbox:
Why this dynamic happens more often than we admit.
The real emotional toll of being the “bigger person”.
How confirmation bias, territorial friendships, triangulation, and social identity theory all play a role.
Two real-world examples—one that ended in resentment, and one that sparked positive change.
Five therapist-approved tools to protect your emotional safety and talk to your partner without conflict.
You’ll also hear me (lovingly) roast my brother Frank as an example of confirmation bias—because yes, being a lifelong Dallas Cowboys fan is a personality trait in our family.
🔧 Relationship Tools You'll Learn:
How to name exactly what bothers you
How to talk to your partner (not vent—strategize)
How to create healthy boundaries around social events
Why being “the gracious one” shouldn’t mean emotional burnout
How to tell if this is just irritation—or something deeper
🎙 Whether you’re Marie or someone navigating a similar situation, this episode will help you feel less alone and more empowered.
🧠 Research Referenced:
Confirmation Bias: Nickerson, R.S. (1998)
Friendship Processes: Fehr, B. (2004)
Structural Family Therapy: Minuchin, S. (1974)
Triangulation Theory: Bowen, M. (1978)
Social Identity Theory: Tajfel & Turner (1979)
💌 Submit your own relationship question at:
LoveUnboxedPodcast.com
🎧 Listen on: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Amazon Music | wherever you get your podcasts
💛 If you liked this episode, please subscribe, share, and leave a review. It means so much and helps more hopeful romantics find us.
*The transcript time stamps begin after the intro- so, the first 45 seconds, you're on your own. :)
Episode Title: Me, You, and the Friend I Can’t Stand: Navigating Tension with Your Partner’s Bestie
[00:00] Dr. Colleen Mullen:
Hello and welcome—and welcome back to some of you fellow Hopeful Romantics.
I'm so glad that you joined me for another unboxing. Because this one is really complicated—or at least it can be.
If you've been riding along with me on this Love, Unboxed journey, you know that this podcast is about helping you challenge, change, and get rid of the dilemmas that get you stuck in your relationships. And I want to remind you that you can leave me a question with your relationship dilemma at LoveUnboxedPodcast.com.
[01:15]
Now, have you ever been in a relationship where everything was going great with your partner—but they just had one friend who always bugged you? Someone who just got under your skin? It's pretty common. Our partners might have friends from different eras of their life—childhood, college, work. Each friend brings a different dynamic.
But what about when it becomes clear that your partner’s best friend doesn't seem to like you? That’s exactly what we’re talking about today. And although most people don’t know how to bring this up, it’s a real emotional mess for the person stuck in the middle.
So come along with me as we get into this complicated and sometimes messy unboxing.
[02:45] Listener Question: Thank you, Marie, for your question. This is such a tough problem. The tension may be felt by everyone in the room, but the person in Marie's place often refrains from speaking up because it's complicated.
When we're in love, we hope to be welcomed by our partner's friends and family. But when one of them seems to dislike you from day one, and that never changes? It creates a quiet storm.
[04:15]
Whether it’s subtle jabs, feeling left out, or general unease, the emotional strain builds. Especially when your partner doesn’t see the problem or its impact on you.
This situation is more common than we admit. And there's psychology behind it. So today, we’re going to unpack that, share a couple of case studies, and walk through specific tools you can use to feel seen, supported, and at peace.
[05:30] Let’s Start with the Psychology:
First up: Confirmation Bias.
Confirmation bias is our brain’s tendency to search for, interpret, and remember information that matches what we already believe.
[06:45]
Let me use my brother Frank as an example. Frank is a diehard Dallas Cowboys fan. He will always look for the wins, the glory days, the good stats. And when someone challenges him—say, by pointing out they haven’t won a Super Bowl since 1995—he’ll brush it off. Why? Because his brain wants to confirm what he already believes: they’re the best.
That’s confirmation bias. And we see it in relationships, too.
[08:30]
If Tom (Marie’s husband’s friend) decided early on not to like Marie, then he’s going to focus on everything that supports that decision. He’s not seeing her. He’s seeing a filtered version of her through his bias.
This is not something you can fix for someone else. But recognizing it helps take the blame off your shoulders.
[09:45] Next: Relationship Territories and Loyalty Conflicts
Tom is likely your husband’s oldest friend. That means their bond runs deep. According to structural family therapy, developed by Salvador Minuchin, our social relationships have a kind of emotional hierarchy.
[11:00]
When a romantic partner enters the picture, it can feel like a disruption to that hierarchy. The friend might feel replaced, or less important. That can show up as territorial behavior—even if it’s subtle.
And this brings us to Triangulation, a concept from Murray Bowen’s family systems theory. It happens when two people in conflict pull in a third to manage the tension. In this case, your husband is the third. He’s stuck between you and Tom, and may try to avoid conflict by downplaying your experience.
[12:45] Let’s Talk About Social Identity Theory
This theory says we mentally sort people into "us" versus "them." If Tom sees you as "other" or someone who doesn’t fit his social circle, he may resist connecting with you—even unconsciously.
That can create tension no one talks about, but everyone feels.
[14:00] Two Real-Life Examples:
1. Anne & the Silent Squeeze-Out
Anne’s husband’s friend never outright insulted her, but constantly made little jabs, excluded her from plans, and interrupted her stories. When she brought it up, her husband said, "He's just joking."
[15:15]
Eventually, Anne started opting out of social events—and resentment grew. She carried the emotional labor alone.
2. Carrie & the Honest Reset
Carrie sat her husband down and said, "I’m not asking you to end the friendship, but I need your help coexisting with him."
[16:30]
They came up with shared code words and a strategy for when things got tense—which allowed her to stay socially engaged without burning out.
[17:45] Now Let’s Get to the Tools:
Tool #1: Get Specific About What Bothers You
Is it the jokes? The tone? The exclusions? The more specific you are, the more clearly you can express it to your partner.
Tool #2: Talk to Your Partner to Strategize, Not Vent
Use "I" statements like:
I feel shut down when he talks over me.
I feel invisible when he ignores me in group settings.
[19:30]
Avoid attacking Tom’s character. Instead, focus on your experience.
Tool #3: Create Boundaries That Honor Your Needs
It’s okay to opt out of certain events or create social buffer zones. You’re not rejecting the friendship—you’re protecting your peace.
Tool #4: Don’t Take On the Burden Alone
You shouldn’t always have to be the bigger person. If someone consistently disrupts your comfort, your partner should help rebalance that space.
Tool #5: Zoom Out and Look at the Bigger Picture
[21:15]
Is this a minor annoyance or a deeper pattern of feeling unsupported? Be honest with yourself. That answer matters.
[22:30] Final Thoughts: Marie, and anyone else dealing with this: you don’t have to be best friends with your partner’s people. But you do have the right to emotional safety.
Your feelings are valid. You’re allowed to set boundaries. And you deserve your partner’s support in navigating the social spaces you both share.
[23:45]
If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe and leave a review. Share it with someone stuck in a similar situation—and don’t forget to send your questions to LoveUnboxedPodcast.com.
Until next time, take care of your heart—and let’s keep hope alive.