What do you think about sharing your location with your partner? Dr. Colleen addresses the pros and cons of location sharing wiht your parner. She answers the Hopeful Romantic Question of the Week who struggles when their partner struggles with trust and relies on location sharing and it backfires.
FInd Transcript with times stamps also on this page.
Opening
Main Segment: "Navigating Trust and Boundaries in Relationships"
Conclusion
Closing
These show notes summarize Dr. Colleen's exploration of trust and boundaries in relationships, offering guidance to listeners on navigating challenging dynamics with their partners.
These show notes were written by AI, They were not checked for grammar or anything other than providing a written record of the episode.
Love Unboxed S1 E4 The pros and cons of location sharing for couples
[00:00:00]
[00:00:00] Hi, Dr. Mullen. Hello, Dr. Collins. My question for you, Dr. Mullen, and my question for you is, which probably hits at the beginning of our relationship, do you still hold out hope for finding love or improving the love you have? Well, Love Unboxed is the place for you. Welcome to Love Unboxed, the podcast for the hopeful romantic.
[00:00:25] Your host is Dr. Colleen Mullen. She's been helping her clients find love and [00:00:30] stay in love. And now she wants to share what she knows with you. Dr. Colleen is here to sprinkle a little magic on your love life. Get ready folks, because today we're diving into a brand new unboxing adventure. Let's join Dr.
[00:00:44] Colleen and embrace the adventure that awaits. Hi and welcome my fellow Hope for Romantics. It's Dr. Colleen here and I am in a great mood today. One of my best girlfriends got engaged over the weekend [00:01:00] and She's engaged to a guy that I have grown to really enjoy and love him as a good friend as well now too.
[00:01:10] And this past weekend was Thanksgiving and they got engaged at a family gathering at a relative's house. And for as much as I even experienced that myself, my own husband proposed to me at a Christmas Eve gathering that we were [00:01:30] hosting, and I had no idea. What do you prefer? What do you think of that? Of people getting engaged?
[00:01:37] Big holidays, and I want you to tell me your answer based on thinking about yourself in that situation. Whether you're the one proposing or being proposed to, do you want it with everybody that you love and care about around you if you can have it? Or Do you prefer a more subdued, intimate setting where [00:02:00] it might just be you and your partner?
[00:02:04] Let me know. You can let me know on the Instagram at DrColleenMullen or loveonboxpodcast. com and you can leave me a voice message with your answer to that question. So let me know, what do you prefer? On a side note, I'm super stoked that they've already given me A little insight on when the wedding might be and where it might be, [00:02:30] and I can't wait.
[00:02:32] And when I say I want to instill hope, it's not just the two people got engaged. These are two people that have lived a couple of different lifetimes in relationships already. And my friend is more like myself. We got to a certain point in life. We had both been married before. We've had other relationships, other partners.
[00:02:55] And we, living our lives, kind of going, well, this is great, and [00:03:00] it's nice when someone's around, but didn't want to keep going through the same old, same old all the time and having the same outcome. And what do you know, they did it a little differently and they got what they were both looking for.
[00:03:14] They're now a few years into their relationship and they're looking to seal the deal and make it official. Kind of blend their lives together officially. So I am super stoked for them. I can't wait. I really am truly happy and I [00:03:30] love when my girlfriends or my guy friends date someone amazing that turns out to be someone I totally want to hang out with as much as I want to hang out with my original friend.
[00:03:41] So congratulations, Jen and Troy. We're just about to get into our unboxing. Today we're jumping into yet another question. I love that the questions that I am getting from you all are pretty complex and that's the amazing thing about relationships. Even when [00:04:00] what sounds like a simple question can be a complex situation.
[00:04:03] And if you're joining me because you have already listened to the show and have come back for more, thank you so, so much. I truly appreciate you giving me your time. Time is something we have so little of most days, so I really appreciate it. And if this is your first time checking the show out, let me know what you think.
[00:04:24] And of course, you can always leave me that voice message over at loveunboxpodcast. com. [00:04:30] And I can't wait to hear from you with your relationship questions. All you have to do to get your question to me is go to loveunboxpodcast. com and you get five minutes to set up your dilemma and ask me your question.
[00:04:44] I want to hear where you get stuck in relationships. Maybe there's some. obstacle that you just kind of keep butting up against in your love life. That's the kind of thing I want to hear about. Okay. But now we're going to get right into the [00:05:00] unboxing. So here is the hopeful romantic question of the week.
[00:05:07] Hi, I have a question, a relationship question. My boyfriend and I go back and forth about sharing our location on our phones with each other. I'm okay with it, but he seems to then want to message me about where I am. I could be running errands, but it doesn't seem enough for him. I never experienced anything like this.
[00:05:29] [00:05:30] What should I do? Thank you. Well, I'm right there with our hopeful romantic caller. I am Um, very uncomfortable when people talk about how the location sharing features on their phones. And this is one of my specific pet peeves regarding apps or phone features that causes more problems than they're worth in relationships.
[00:05:53] The location sharing feature is on, I think it's on every phone. I don't think it's just iPhones. [00:06:00] You see, when there are no insecurities around trust in a relationship, sharing your location with your partner is something that can be so helpful. You know, it's for times like when you're out, when maybe you're traveling away from home, or you're going to an area that you're unfamiliar with, or in the rare case that, you know, something happens to you and people need to find you, at least your location is shared, I guess.
[00:06:23] If you really disappeared, they could ping your phone, but if you've shared your location, even better, you know, so [00:06:30] that's how I have imagined that the developers envisioned the phone sharing app being used, right? Like maybe also for your kids when they have phones, right? You want to know where your kids are, but you do not need to know where your partner is 24 seven.
[00:06:49] It's just not. How, how it's going to lead you to feel secure. Like in fact it does just the opposite and leaves you feeling more insecure because there are [00:07:00] definitely times where, for whatever reason, the information gets misconstrued, right? If a person has any issues at all around abandonment or difficulty trusting in relationships, this phone feature can cause so many problems.
[00:07:19] And even in couples when trust has been breached, the goal of my work with them is to help them work through the emotional process and then rebuild trust. But rebuilding trust [00:07:30] doesn't come from knowing where their partner is at every moment. It's rebuilt through actions and communication, not by having an electronic leash on your partner.
[00:07:42] Doing that literally keeps your anxiety revved up rather than calming it down. And trust me, if you're one of those couples where you are working on rebuilding trust, and part of that has been sharing the location on your phones, there will inevitably be a [00:08:00] day where something gets misconstrued. I mean, that happens all the time.
[00:08:05] I think I'm going to go to one part of town to get something, then I remember there's another similar store closer to where I have to be for something else. You know, but it's easy to see how these things can get misconstrued, or you can be seen as not telling the truth because in the beginning you thought, well, I'm going to go to the mall over in this part of town, but then you went to the one on that part of town, so you look like you're lying, but you're [00:08:30] not.
[00:08:31] And for those who are the one that might be listening, that is the relationship checker, the one that is having trouble with trust, I'm going to tell you that Even when, and you might recognize this, even when the situation is resolved quickly, in the time between noticing the location discrepancy that you don't recognize, and the time until you hear from your partner, you will have gone through a [00:09:00] rollercoaster of anxiety in your mind.
[00:09:03] Then, inevitably, people look to the partner that they say will cause the discrepancy because they weren't exactly where they said they were going to be, so it spiked the partner's anxiety. They put that on the partner, and you can see how that is a burden that is not for that partner to carry because CVS instead of another.
[00:09:26] Um, you know, it's that simple some days that gets people into a [00:09:30] tremendous amount of pain and hurt and emotional mud. That they can't figure out how to get out of. Because now they've just pulled their partner down in the mud with them. So I see this come up in lots of long distance relationships. Think partners who have to travel for their job, or military couples, gosh, there's lots of opportunity if you are feeling, for whatever reason, insecure [00:10:00] in your bond with your partner to use this to track things that cause more distress.
[00:10:07] This But our hopeful romantic didn't indicate that they had any known issues around trust in this relationship. And, in fact, it sounds like she's in a relatively new relationship and she was open to sharing the location until the boyfriend started using it in ways that it wasn't meant for. This would indicate that he has trouble with trust, probably abandonment, [00:10:30] and of course I wouldn't be surprised if there had been, uh, if they had been cheated on in the past or if they were aware that there were affairs in their parents relationship.
[00:10:42] Yes, we can carry trauma in our relationships because of what we witnessed our parents go through. If you weren't aware of but something clicks as you are listening to this, that can lead you to Leaving me a question. What question does this bring up for you? [00:11:00] Happy to answer it. You know what to do. Go to loveunboxpodcast.
[00:11:04] com. Thank you. Getting back to things here. Okay. But what do you do if you were feeling the emotional heaviness when your partner is someone who hasn't reconciled the past relationship pain that they've had and they've brought it into this relationship, right? Because our hopeful romantic does not indicate that there is a known breach in trust.
[00:11:25] She sounds surprised that the boyfriend would be scrutinizing where she is, so [00:11:30] it's been off putting for her.
[00:11:35] So the easy, but not so easy, solution is you talk about it with them. This dilemma highlights the need for communicating with your partner when something just doesn't sit right with you. In this case, our hopeful romantic has been indulging her boyfriend's anxieties around trust. The behavior on both sides of this couple will absolutely not increase trust in this relationship.
[00:11:59] In [00:12:00] fact, You must communicate about it. For however cliche it sounds, growth does happen in uncomfortable moments, and sometimes those moments are with our partner, and we need to talk about these things that make us uncomfortable. So I want to give you a way to talk about them, and even I'm going to mimic a, well, your side of the conversation, if you are the one that needs to have the conversation with your partner.
[00:12:28] One communication [00:12:30] opener that can be good for having difficult conversations is to enter the conversation gently and have it in person. I'm a big advocate for if you've got something to say that is not on the happy side of life to your partner, do it in person. Don't do it over a text, FaceTime. Okay. If you have to, but you get so much more out of being in person with your partner including [00:13:00] reading their body language, being able to touch them gently, you know, putting your hand, holding their hand while you have a difficult conversation can be very calming, putting your hand on their leg, you know, on their shoulder, somewhere touch is calming.
[00:13:14] It says, I'm here with you, I'm not leaving you, and you get to communicate with them while you are also relaying that message through your physicality. So this means that [00:13:30] Even if, like, you're out and about and one more of those texts comes in that says, I thought you said you were going over here, but why are you over there?
[00:13:38] And you just, like, it's the last straw that breaks, what do they say, breaks the camel's back. Um, don't react. Just either don't answer it or, or respond gently and just answer, I changed my mind, I'm at the store, see you when I get home. Deal with it for one more time [00:14:00] and then you go home. And, or you go to your partner's place and you tell them how you've been feeling.
[00:14:08] So here's what I want you to think about, though, as you figure out what are you going to tell them about how it's feeling. I want you to think about what does it feel like to not be trusted, right? Because that's the message. When your partner says, Hey, how come you're here and not there? Or how come you're still [00:14:30] at this place when you said you were only staying a certain amount of time?
[00:14:34] They're saying. I don't trust you and you need to prove you need to earn trust with me. And that is not how a relationship goes. You don't earn trust. You build a strong foundation for your relationship and naturally trust is built. It is not built by proving that you are trustworthy. Um, or earning it.[00:15:00]
[00:15:00] So the other thing I want you to think about is, what do you want them to understand about how damaging this behavior is to your bond with them? Because more than likely, they're not acting out of real distrust of you. They're acting out of their own insecurities around trust, and it could even be something that stems from how they are attached to others in the world.
[00:15:24] There's attachment theory, and I'm sure we'll get into it, but we would say this person is anxiously attached. [00:15:30] That they see a bond is strong because they are constantly in communication or constantly know where their partner is. That is not a secure attachment. I should say that is not necessarily a secure attachment.
[00:15:46] People are happy and they like to be in constant contact, but it's the person who gets anxious, agitated, resentful, any of those negative feelings when they don't have access to their partner for whatever [00:16:00] reason. Um, that they have a job where they can't answer the phone all the time, where they won't share their location with them.
[00:16:07] That person is, um, that's not the healthy version of that. So I want you to think about what does it feel like when you are not trusted. I'm going to add one in here and say, what does it feel like to hear that your partner is agitated because they are reading something into your location that isn't true?
[00:16:24] And what do you want them to know What do you want them to understand about how damaging this behavior is to your bond with [00:16:30] them? Take the time you need to think about it, and when you decide you're ready to talk to them, your goal for the conversation is going to be to let them know what your experience has been and the message you are being sent by their behavior.
[00:16:46] You will want to keep the conversation relatively short and simple, certainly focused on that particular behavior. If they show the lack of trust in other ways. Just, if your [00:17:00] goal is to not share, you know, to set the boundary to not share your location, don't bring all of it in right now. Just focus on that, that that one behavior is sending you a message when you're out and about and like being happy and doing the things that you do in a day.
[00:17:18] You get a message that brings you down, tells you your partner doesn't trust you, and kind of self deflating. So, you want to stick with that. You'll be [00:17:30] able to address if there's other ways they show their lack of trust, which I'm sure there is, you'll be able to bring those up at other times. So I want to give you an example of what this conversation can sound like.
[00:17:51] Babe, I need to talk to you about continuing to share my location with you. I've noticed that there are times when you call me or text me. And you question why I'm at certain [00:18:00] places when I'm not with you, and it leaves me feeling disappointed and sad, really, that for some reason you don't trust me. I'm really uncomfortable knowing that, and it doesn't feel healthy.
[00:18:12] If there's a reason you're struggling with trusting me, I would much rather talk about it than stay in this cycle that we get into. And if this lack of trust wasn't caused by something you think I did, like if it happened before I came into your life, I would definitely still like [00:18:30] to talk about it. It's not for me to fix that issue, but I do want to understand you better and know where you come from.
[00:18:38] We don't have to talk about it right now for sure, but I wanted to let you know how I was feeling and that I was concerned about it. I think it would be best for the time being at least if we disconnected our location sharing. I'm going to ask that you agree with me for the time being. I may be open to sharing my location with you again in the future because I do [00:19:00] think it can have It can be a good thing to do.
[00:19:04] I just don't think it's a good thing right now for us, and I think the break from it for the time being would be more helpful for our relationship than if we leave it as it is. I want you to trust me because of who I am and how I treat you, not because you know where I am all of the time or that I'm exactly where I say I'm going to be at the exact time.
[00:19:28] Can we agree to [00:19:30] that? In that example, you're talking about what it feels, you're disappointed and you're sad, rather than being aggressive or resentful and accusing, you know, rather than, you know, I wish you would just get a grip on yourself, you know, I wasn't the one who cheated on you. Right? That's, that's not going to be helpful either.
[00:19:50] So um, you know, that will get your partner pushing back. When you say, I feel disappointed, when you send [00:20:00] messages indicating that you don't trust me. Your partner can't say, no, you don't. They can say something that also might get a bit of a repair or a little healing moment or insightful moment. They might say, well, I didn't mean to make you feel that way.
[00:20:17] Or I knew I struggled with trust, but I didn't realize how it was showing up. That is not what I want you to think, you know? And in the case of. [00:20:30] really being anxious about trust and attachment, they, they might go with, I just need to know that I can trust you. Right? And that indicates that they're still stuck.
[00:20:44] They might not be disagreeing. They might not mean to make you feel it, but they might say, but I don't know what to do without that. Then you have an opening to talk to them about trust. If they give you some indication that they are [00:21:00] aware that it makes them anxious to not know the details of where you are all the time, um, or that they are worried that they're going to look and see that you're at a different location than you said, that's a, a great time to talk about, you know, well, maybe, maybe it'd be helpful if you talk to somebody, you know, um, this is a problem that came before me and.
[00:21:24] So I really can't fix it and you knowing that I'm where I say I'm going to be is not going [00:21:30] to make you trust me and it's certainly not going to make me trust you. It makes me feel, you know, worried, uh, and scrutinized and stuck. So might be best if you talk to someone about it and see if it can, if you can shift that a little bit so you don't have to put it on me.
[00:21:53] The statement that you make at the end of the conversation about disconnecting the location sharing. May cause an anxious reaction from your [00:22:00] partner. I want you to know that you are not responsible for their reactions I'll say that a lot throughout the show, you know You're not responsible for their reactions when you're going in and you're saying I acknowledge.
[00:22:12] This is tough to talk about Acknowledge that this is about how I'm feeling and this might be uncomfortable to hear. It's okay for them to be Uncomfortable. It's not okay for them to blow their lid and start yelling, it's not okay for them to [00:22:30] blame you, but you're not responsible for how they choose to react.
[00:22:36] A healthy relationship is something that grows over time, and often we grow through uncomfortable moments that happen as we're getting to know someone. I always say you get to teach your partner about what you need, usually pretty early in the relationship, And they get to decide if they're going to meet that need, or in this case, respect the boundary that you set.[00:23:00]
[00:23:00] And if they decide that they can't or they won't meet that need or respect that boundary and they refuse to do anything about it, you get to hear that message and decide accordingly about the type of relationship you want to be in. It is that simple, and yet I know you hear that it's not that simple, right?
[00:23:21] Then pushing past how you're feeling if you really realize that they're not going to change or they don't want to Or they won't do anything that would lead [00:23:30] to change I do hope when this conversation has to be had that you get the response that says gosh I wish I wasn't putting this on you I wish I knew how to change it and you get the opportunity to talk to your partner about Getting some help for that issue, that's okay.
[00:23:49] If your partner is struggling and they are taking steps to make it better, hey, if you have good feelings for them and you otherwise know them to be a good person and you like the other things that they [00:24:00] bring to the table of this relationship, stick with it. See what happens as long as you are also not still engaging in behaviors, indulge the anxiety like they're working on it and struggling differently than struggling with trust.
[00:24:14] Unless they're struggling with themselves. And that's okay. The overarching message I want you to get today is that a healthy relationship is not born out of accommodating our partner's anxieties. A healthy relationship comes by speaking up when [00:24:30] something isn't sitting right with you, opening up a conversation, discussing what works for you in that situation and how it feels, giving you and your partner an opportunity to discuss both sides of a problem and being open to listening to their side as well.
[00:24:46] You know, you both have decisions to make every moment in a relationship. Discussing them as they show up will help you build. or have a chance of [00:25:00] building a much healthier relationship with someone. All right, well, that's it for today's unboxing. And before we get going, I want to remind you that this is, yes, it is advice, but it's not specific advice as your therapist.
[00:25:16] To you, I am a therapist, a licensed therapist. And yet, this is for learning education, maybe entertainment purposes. This concludes our [00:25:30] unboxing of the week. To my Hope for Romantic caller, I hope that this was helpful and to you listening, my fellow Hope for Romantics. I hope that if this situation rang some bells in your mind or felt a little too close to home, that you start thinking about how to have this conversation with your partner.
[00:25:51] To connect with me between episodes, I'll say just come and find me over on TikTok. That's where I'll be posting all the audiograms and the [00:26:00] previews and the videos. including my date of the week series that started last week. There's a full video on that date of the week over on Tik TOK. And in that video, I give you one suggestion that can lead to literally months of happy dates with your partner.
[00:26:20] Go check it out, see what you think, and let me know what you and your partner come up with. I am also on Instagram and Facebook [00:26:30] at Dr. Colleen Mullin. So I hope to hear from you on one of those. Say, hi, let me know that you listened. And one last reminder to go to loveunboxpodcast. com to leave me your relationship question.
[00:26:44] You get five whole minutes to set up the story and let me know what you want to get out of this. And then Believe me the question. Happy to answer it on the air and help you the best that I can. [00:27:00] Let me know how it goes. All right. In the meantime, let's keep hope alive.