Do you love your partner but don't have much desire for them? Do you want to know how to re-light the flame that sparked your relationship all those years ago? Well, Dr. Colleen wants you to understand what the spark is about, why and how it can fade, and how to get it back.
A Chaotic Week
It's been a chatic week. I had to remind myself I can give myself permission to take some things off my schedule. I often lose sight of what a privledge that is. My routine has been thrown off and my family is dealing with a bit more stress than usual. The stress was bleeding into my day- so I decided I needed to get back to basics for a day or 2. I sought some fun and some peaceful time. MY husband is good for a laugh and I went on a few of my daily walks by myself, as that's my happy place. I want to remind you to check in with your self if need be and hope you find a laugh and some peace today as well. .
Hopeful Romantic Question of the Week:
Jenny: How do you get that feeling back when you just want to be around your partner all the time and can't keep your hands off them?
THE UNBOXING
Uderstanding the Spark:
Factors Leading to Loss of Spark:
Strategies for Reigniting the Spark:
Conclusion:
Closing Remarks:
Listeners are invited to subscribe to the Love Unboxed podcast for more insightful discussions on love and relationships. They can also connect with Dr. Colleen Mullen on various social media platforms for ongoing engagement and updates.
Ep 006_How Do you Get the Spark Back?
[00:00:00] Do you still hold out hope for finding love or improving the love you have? Welcome to Love Unboxed, the podcast for the hopeful romantic. Your host is Dr. Colleen Mullen. She's been a therapist for over 20 years and a lifetime hopeful romantic. She's been helping her clients find love and stay in love.
[00:00:21] And now she wants to share what she knows with you. Get ready folks, because today we're diving into a brand new unboxing adventure.[00:00:30]
[00:00:33] Hi, and welcome to yet another episode of the Love Unboxed podcast. I'm Dr. Colleen, and I'm here to help you have more of the love that you want in your life. And I'm so glad that you joined me today. For me, it was a chaotic week. And If you are following the show closely, you know, I'm a couple of days behind on launching a new episode [00:01:00] because it was one of those weeks where I had to look and check in with myself and see what I needed in order to make the week workable for me.
[00:01:09] And some days you just have to look and be able to give yourself permission to take something off your plate. And this week, the one thing that I. Um, could maneuver from my roster of things that I needed to tend to was the podcast. And my goal with this show is to be consistent. So I [00:01:30] did have a dilemma about do I or don't I take it off my plate, but I just had to.
[00:01:35] And I had to check in with myself and I want to check in with you the same way and give you a little tip on how to maybe reset. You know, there are weeks where no matter how well you plan, life is going to throw you curve balls. It's going to make you think differently about certain things or even feel like just trashing it all.[00:02:00]
[00:02:00] I did have a moment like that this week. And I had to regroup and say, what do I need? I needed a little fun. I needed to find a way to laugh this week. And I also needed some peace. So for me, walking brings me peace. And when I walk alone, that brings me peace. And for as much as I love my husband and partner, Mike.
[00:02:28] He's been with me on a lot of my [00:02:30] walks in the last week and that's not our normal routine. And so I had to make a point to take a few of those walks by myself and let myself have some peace. And the other thing was to have some, you know, fun times. One thing that he is wonderful at, well, he's wonderful at a lot of things.
[00:02:52] But one of the things that he's wonderful at is making me laugh. He is literally one of the funniest people I know, [00:03:00] and we just kind of get each other in our humor. So I was able to touch base with that. And I think we watched something a little funny, but I can't remember what it is now. Anyway, if you are having a week or find yourself at some point having a week where you just can't get ahead, number one, what can you do to make more space for you this week?
[00:03:22] And then, you know, where can you find someplace where you can find some laughter and where can you find some [00:03:30] peace? Those are the two things that I hope you have in your life on a regular basis. And if you don't check in with yourself, find it, get a little dose of that and then get back to the grind.
[00:03:43] Okay. So, as I queue up the Hope for Romantic question of the week. I want to remind you that this show is not therapy, nor is it a substitution for therapy. However, this show can only survive with your [00:04:00] questions. So in order to leave me your relationship question, just go to loveunboxpodcast. com and you'll see the link.
[00:04:10] to the voicemail page where you just hit the button and you have five minutes to tell me what your relationship dilemma is, set it up, tell me all the things you think I need to know. And then ask me your question. I'll be happy to answer it on the show. All right, [00:04:30] then let's get on with it. Today, our hopeful romantic caller is Jenny, and let's see what's on Jenny's mind.
[00:04:38] Hi,
[00:04:46] my name is Jenny, and my question for you, Dr. Mullen, is when you've been with someone for so long and you lose that spark, how do you get that back? How do you make that relationship that you just can't keep your [00:05:00] hands off each other when you've been together for about 10 years? Thank you. I'm looking forward to hearing from you.
[00:05:08] How do you get the spark back? And even more so than just the spark, I think our caller Jenny is looking for how do you get that feeling back when you just can't or don't want to keep your hands off your partner? Well, I will give you some ideas that you can try, and we're going to start by unboxing the topic [00:05:30] itself in more detail.
[00:05:32] In order to talk about getting the spark back, we have to talk about where the spark comes from. So the spark that we just all love is when we first start being involved with someone. That can be a few months or even the first couple of years of a relationship. We are, during that time, in the infatuation or the honeymoon stage.
[00:05:59] And that stage [00:06:00] in itself helps carry along our desire for our new love because it's during the honeymoon stage that we are building the foundation for our future life with this person. And it's a time that we're getting to know our new love interest. And it's also when we hope that they continue to want to get to know us.
[00:06:20] The brain gets a lot of action during that time. It lights up our hypothalamus, which is the love center of the brain. It does this every [00:06:30] single time that we see this person, or even when we just think of them. It's the zap of excitement that we feel when we are meeting them for a date. Way back when I was an undergrad student trying to get into graduate school in psychology, I joined as a student.
[00:06:48] participant in a research lab where I got to participate in studying love on the brain. And [00:07:00] what we did is we hooked people up to, uh, it's called the functional MRI or an fMRI machine. And this goes back to late nineties. I have no idea what machines they use today or if that's still what we would use, but you stuck their finger in a little sensor and hooked up some.
[00:07:18] Nodes to their brain, if I remember correctly, and we showed them pictures of people that were conventionally attractive, [00:07:30] conventionally neutral in their attractiveness, and someone that they had dated. They were supposed to bring a picture of someone that they're dating. And uh, And we showed them the pictures and looked at how the brain lit up and when there was an emotional attachment to the person, so the person that they were dating, the brain lit up exactly where love is found in the brain.
[00:07:57] And it was super cool to [00:08:00] see that. And I think of that when people talk about the spark because literally it's a visual representation of the spark that happens. And we get that spark, whether we see it or not on a screen, we get that spark. When we are in this honeymoon stage, uh, and we get excited to be around this person that we're interested in.
[00:08:25] So research on the honeymoon phase says that it can last up to two years. [00:08:30] And during that stage, you have intense feelings of excitement, passion, curiosity for your new love. And this phase also lasts as long as it does because in addition to the chemicals working in our brain. In response to the excitement, we are also on our best behavior.
[00:08:48] Ironically, one of the things that can help keep us in our honeymoon phase is actually something that's usually our archenemy [00:09:00] internally. It's called the imposter syndrome. I like to call it the inner imposter. This way, I can work on releasing the inner imposter, because if it's the imposter syndrome, kind of sounds like it's attached to me.
[00:09:14] So I like to think of things where I can find ways to externalize them. And so. In case you don't know or haven't met your inner imposter by name, let me explain to you who they [00:09:30] are. The inner imposter is that intruder who gets in your brain and starts telling you, that you better not show this new person who you really are because they probably won't like you anymore and they certainly wouldn't fall in love with you if they really knew who you were.
[00:09:47] A lot of times we think of the imposter syndrome or the inner imposter when we think of our professional life, but it really is a [00:10:00] saboteur. In any time that we are trying to say, gosh, I'm, I, I, I want this, I want this job. I want this speaking engagement. I want this opportunity, or I want this person. I really like what they have to offer.
[00:10:19] And I want, I want them to really like me. The imposter comes in and says, no, don't worry. They're not, they're not going to like you [00:10:30] unless you stay on your best behavior. So that fuels us because. Um, research on relationships for, I don't know, for as long as I've studied them has always said that we are inevitably on our best behavior for at least like the first six months to even 18 months of a relationship.
[00:10:50] I like to think it's probably more like six months to a year and then we start kind of loosening up how we are, but some people [00:11:00] take a little bit more time and, uh, to let it go. So I think many of you are going to recognize having already met your inner imposter and I want to help you kick it to the curb for the future.
[00:11:16] When your inner imposter shows up, you're going to be as authentic and present as you possibly can. How that would look behaviorally for me, how it plays out is when [00:11:30] my Inner imposter shows up and tells me that my place is just, it's a, it's a disgusting mess and I'm not quite as smart as I might think I am.
[00:11:43] Or, maybe I'm not as attractive or the person isn't going to like me. I just go, wait a minute, I, I get present. I check myself and I go, is any of this stuff true? And I can look around and objectively see that my house is not a disgusting mess. [00:12:00] I kind of get that I'm as smart as I think I am because I've gotten pretty far in life on my brain and attractiveness, hey, everybody's got somebody and I'm always pretty comfortable in my physical appearance.
[00:12:16] So even if I wasn't, because I certainly have had times in life where I wasn't. I could still, if I get present and I'm like, okay, I'm right here. I'm with this person. This is what I [00:12:30] smell. This is what I'm tasting. This is what I'm hearing. And I engage with them in the present. I can't have thoughts that clutter up my mind.
[00:12:37] And that's what I want you to know. If you're present and attending to what is happening right in the moment with you externally, you cannot have a different conversation going on internally. It cannot happen. So that's a little trick for you to remember for later. All right. So let's get back to the honeymoon phase because I'm suggesting [00:13:00] that our inner imposter It helps us be on our best behavior.
[00:13:04] So I want to talk just a little bit about research on the honeymoon phase of relationships. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that the initial intense feelings of romantic love tend to peak within the first six months to a year of a new relationship and then gradually decline over time.
[00:13:25] And relationships are work. They're not constant work, but they are [00:13:30] work. So you will work to put that back in. Another study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy found that the average duration of the honeymoon phase was around two years for newlywed couples. After that period, couples tended to experience a decrease in the intensity of romantic feelings.
[00:13:49] And then psychologist Dorothy Tenov, who was the person who coined the term limerence, Uh, to describe an early stage of romantic love suggested that [00:14:00] limerence lasted between six months to two years before transitioning into a more stable form of love. And although our stable love might not be intense.
[00:14:11] In emotions, you certainly could still expect to want to desire your partner the way our caller Jenny is trying to get that feeling back. It is important to note that the duration of the honeymoon phase can last widely. You can hear that six months, two years. You know, that could be [00:14:30] for two different people in a relationship.
[00:14:32] One might get to stable love feelings faster than the other. So things that affected our personality traits, relationship dynamics and experience, external stressors and life circumstances, they all influence how long the honeymoon phase lasts.
[00:14:53] While those intense feelings of infatuation during the honeymoon stage, you know, are known to [00:15:00] decrease over time. What they get replaced with are deeper feelings of attachment, intimacy, and commitment as the relationship matures. And couples who are able to navigate this transition successfully often develop stronger and more enduring bonds based on mutual trust, respect, and shared experiences.
[00:15:23] Okay, so we've talked enough about the honeymoon phase and how the time of the honeymoon phase along with probably [00:15:30] our inner imposter helps keep that going up to two years. Yes, there is a decrease in the intense feelings that happens after that fades out, but there are other factors that kind of take desire off the table for couples.
[00:15:48] And I want to talk about some of those. And of course, I'm going to give you some practical advice on how to unwind those at the end.[00:16:00]
[00:16:03] Number one is the comfort level. Sometimes too comfortable is too comfortable. You know, stability is important, but a predictable relationship can lead to boredom and a lack of excitement. Number two is we just neglect our relationship sometimes. Busy schedules, work pressures, family. If there's kids involved, we know that kids can [00:16:30] decrease feelings of closeness even for the first year or two after a baby is born.
[00:16:35] But it's also easy that. When that time of life happens that couples just can't prioritize time with each other or busy careers, busy schedules, lots of other responsibilities in life. We have to make our relationship a priority so that we don't neglect it. Number three is communication. [00:17:00] Communication can break And it can break down for lots of reasons.
[00:17:05] We're going to have lots of times to talk about conditioning in a relationship, but we all bring what we've learned in our young life to our adult relationships. Remember when we talked about attachment, that's how we attach from when we're young. Very young is how we attach in adulthood. We also watch and [00:17:30] just, uh, take in the messages that we get sent by.
[00:17:35] The adult in our lives. And so sometimes we didn't have parents who communicated much with each other. So people start tiptoeing around or something happens where maybe a couple starts conditioning themselves where one person asks a question and the other gets defensive rather than just answering the question and they stop actually communicating with each other or those busy [00:18:00] schedules get in the way.
[00:18:01] And they don't think about sharing their day with each other because they just want to be done with their day when they hang out with each other, but they're not really interacting over anything. So communication can break down for a lot of reasons. And then there's taking each other for granted. Um.
[00:18:20] When partners stop appreciating each other or taking the time to express gratitude for each other it can Wipe out the passion and the [00:18:30] intimacy because you're gonna feel a bit empty When it comes to those feelings of like why your partner loves you so much That's important. That's definitely gonna be in our in the advice segment There can be unresolved conflicts over the years couples say hey, this is They, they have an argument about something, and for whatever reason, the argument doesn't get resolved, whether it got interrupted, whether they [00:19:00] decided they're just not gonna discuss it at that time, and they don't come back to revisit it when there's unresolved conflicts.
[00:19:08] It can create resentment and kind of just fester there between the partners. And we don't want that. And people's priorities change over time. And it can be easy to, as I started this episode, easy to set aside. What feels important to us [00:19:30] for something that feels more important in the moment, and then we just don't make it a priority to put it back in.
[00:19:36] And of course, stress affects us in lots of ways, and it can cause even, uh, intimacy issues to happen because it can change how our bodies respond. There can be lots of other things that are life stressors that are external that affect how a person feels about themselves and can decrease [00:20:00] their feelings of wanting to be close with their partner or feeling like they might get rejected or they might feel not good enough.
[00:20:09] So stress. A lot of stress can cause ways that couples pull apart from each other. And just like this week, my partner, so my husband, Mike has been going on my morning walks with me. And normally we take a lot of walks in the afternoon after work and I get my morning walk in [00:20:30] separately. And that kind of sets me up for a calmer day.
[00:20:34] I like that to feel like I've already expelled some energy. And when I don't have that, I can feel a little bit more stress. So, of course, if stress isn't knocked out some way during the day, it's going to affect how a couple can interact with themselves when they're trying to just relax with each other.
[00:20:55] So now that we have the factors that play into how a couple loses [00:21:00] that desire for each other, let's talk about how to get that back. I'm going to address pretty much
[00:21:15] Let's talk about communication. Communication needs to happen. Open and honest communication. Talk about what your day looked like. Share. Feel close with each other. Even if you think Well, my partner has so much [00:21:30] on their plate. I don't want to burden them or this is nonsense. I don't need to talk about this.
[00:21:35] You need to be sharing about the little details of things that happen outside of when you're together to help keep that bond going. You need to make time for the relationship. We talked about prioritizing can be a factor in losing that spark. And also busy schedules and just losing track [00:22:00] of when is the last time that you just hung out with each other for the sake of connecting, not because you were on your way to run an errand or go to a family gathering or do something for one of the kids if you've got kids or go to a work function.
[00:22:16] And when is the last time you said, Hey, Let's just go and sit at the beach for the afternoon or let's go and go to dinner. Let's go see the art exhibit that's going on. Quality time is important. You can also make [00:22:30] quality time at home. You can figure out, have a board, uh, don't have a board night with each other, have a board game night with each other, even a video game night with each other.
[00:22:41] If they're interactive games can be fun. You want to spend quality time. not just time with each other. And you need novelty, you know, comfortability leads to predictability and can lead to boredom. When people [00:23:00] find that they're just bored, there's nothing new. Got to find a way to put some novelty. into your relationship.
[00:23:07] And for some couples, a novel experience counts in just going to a different restaurant than maybe the restaurant you normally go to for your dinner for your date nights out, right? Sometimes people just get into routines and those routines can leave you bored. So it can be that it can be doing something exciting together, something [00:23:30] physically active.
[00:23:30] That's a great way to also increase the Endorphins and the love endorphins, again, thinking about love on the brain. When we are, when we do an activity with someone that we are partnered up with, we have more feelings of attractiveness to them right after doing that. So think about that. Go ride a bike together.
[00:23:55] If you can take up physical activities that you can do together, that can be fun [00:24:00] to shake things up a bit. And if there's a physical limitation. You'll find something else. Maybe you're gonna read to each other. Maybe you will play a game together. Maybe you will learn about something together, take a class together.
[00:24:15] It's a great novel experience. So there's lots of ways to find spontaneity in a relationship and novel experiences. If we think about our caller Jenny, And she's now her and her partner are making [00:24:30] time for each other. They are adding a little novel experience into the relationship. They are communicating with each other and talking to each other.
[00:24:40] They have to also put physical affection into the relationship. So touch each other as you. Walk past each other in the hallway, give a little stop and a little hug or a little touch or hold hands when you go for a walk after work. Putting physical affection into the relationship [00:25:00] allows you to start sparking those feelings again.
[00:25:05] If you think, well, I must feel it in order to do it. You often limit yourself and in no way am I telling anyone that you should be doing something that you don't want to do physically with your partner. I am just saying that if you're not used to a little kiss after breakfast in the morning, maybe have a little kiss after breakfast.
[00:25:29] Maybe hold [00:25:30] hands when you run errands and you're walking through a store, hold hands together. It might feel good for you. Certainly, it's going to get, spark the brain a little bit. And then expressing appreciation. Specifically, it's really important so that you're not feeling empty as far as The question I mentioned before about why you're, you don't lose sight of why your partner loves you.[00:26:00]
[00:26:00] You should be expressing what you appreciate about each other on a regular basis. I often have my couples do an exercise every single day where they're saying something that they appreciate about each other and they're talking about how they see that trait show up in each other. It's really a lovely thing to do.
[00:26:19] And it allows you a couple of things. When you say, gosh, I really appreciate that you make dinner most nights of the week. I really love that you [00:26:30] attend to taking care of me in that way. That will feel really good for my partner when he hears me say that. Well, and for him, he would say that to me and I would say, I really appreciate that you clean up the kitchen after I.
[00:26:44] Cook every night because he loves to do that and he knows that I feel taken care of when he does that. Me telling him how much I appreciate him doing that lets him know that I see him and I see the effort that he's putting in to make [00:27:00] life easier in the evening. So I'm not cooking and then cleaning the kitchen all by myself.
[00:27:07] So, he could say, I appreciate how playful you are, and I love how you are when the kids come around. You know, those are the kind of statements that you'll make to each other. They go a long way. They also help if you happen to be a couple that trips into quick arguments with each other. When you are doing that appreciation [00:27:30] statement on a very regular basis, you're building up your emotional savings account, so that when you have an argument.
[00:27:38] It's not crushing, it's just a bad moment, it's not a bad relationship, and that one little exercise can go a long way in a lot of different directions for you. And romance matters. No, after 10 years, is it going to be spontaneous? It could be. It depends on your personality traits, but if it is, you're probably not [00:28:00] feeling bored with each other.
[00:28:01] So if romance has been out the window for a while because you just say, well, we're so busy or we're working on the house or we're doing this or we're doing that, figure out how to make it happen. Plan a little romantic picnic in the living room, planning a weekend away or a night away. Set the mood when you have a Wednesday night dinner at home, candles or nice music, [00:28:30] something that makes it feel a little bit more special.
[00:28:34] It sounds corny, but it will help. And of course, there are two last things I want to advise. Number one, you want to always be checking in with you. Who are you in this relationship? How are you showing up? What can you do differently to be more of the partner that you want to be to your partner? And hopefully your partner is looking at that.
[00:28:59] And if you need [00:29:00] to go through working on personal growth in some way, there are great books out there. And then there's always. The help of a relationship therapist, if needed. For a couple who struggles to reconnect, struggles to communicate, or struggles with how to get intimacy back, talking to a therapist who specializes in couples dynamics can be very helpful during that time.
[00:29:26] Okay, so you've got your honeymoon [00:29:30] phase that might be carried along by an inner imposter that you need to get rid of, and then you've got all those ways that stable love can become boring or out of touch love with each other. And now you've got ways to put that back in. So to my hopeful romantic caller, Jenny, remember that rekindling the spark in a long term relationship takes effort and commitment from both partners.
[00:29:56] When you prioritize each other's needs, you're mindful of the [00:30:00] relationship, and you nurture the connection, you can reignite the passion and deepen your bond with each other over time. And for the rest of my fellow hopeful romantics listening, keep the things I discussed today in mind when you start to wonder what's going on in your relationship if you find yourself longing for some of that early relationship infatuation feeling.
[00:30:24] And if that leaves you with some questions or you're confused about something I've said today, [00:30:30] just ask me at loveunboxpodcast. com. Okay, that's it for this episode. If you like what you're hearing and you want to hear more, remember to subscribe or follow me wherever you're listening. And to interact with me or keep updated on any extra posts I might do in between episodes on the socials, you can find me on Tik TOK at love on box podcast and on Instagram and X at Dr.
[00:30:59] Colleen Mullen. [00:31:00] All right, from this hopeful romantic to you until next time, let's keep hope [00:31:30] alive.