This is the first in an intermittent series on how to support your partner with several mental health struggles, including depression, ADHD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety, and many more. This episode begins with the story of Sally and Johnny and how depression affects their relationship. As always, Dr. Colleen unboxes the topic and provides clear and actionable things you can do to support your partner when they have depression.
"Love Unboxed: How to Support a Partner with Depression"
Episode Summary: In this episode of Love Unboxed, Dr. Colleen introduces a special series dedicated to supporting partners with emotional struggles, starting with depression. Through a relatable story of Sally and Johnny, Dr. Colleen unpacks the challenges of maintaining a relationship when one partner is dealing with depression.
She explains the signs of depression, how it manifests differently between men and women, and offers practical advice for partners navigating this tough situation. Dr. Colleen also emphasizes the importance of self-care for those supporting a partner with depression, providing four key steps for maintaining balance in the relationship.
Key Takeaways:
Tips for Supporting a Partner with Depression:
Quotes from Dr. Colleen:
Listener Engagement: Dr. Colleen is eager to hear your relationship questions! Submit your voicemails at loveunboxpodcast.com for a chance to have your question featured and answered in a future episode.
Follow Dr. Colleen on Social Media:
Don’t forget to subscribe to stay updated on future episodes. As the podcast grows, Dr. Colleen hopes to increase the frequency of new releases, so subscribing ensures you won’t miss out!
Next Episode: Stay tuned for the next episode in the series, where Dr. Colleen will dive into supporting a partner with anxiety.
To my fellow Hopeful Romantics, let's keep hope alive.
These notes were generated by AI.
Love Unboxed: How to Support a Partner with Depression
[00:00:00]
[00:00:01] Hi, and welcome to Love Unboxed. This is the place to get your relationship questions answered. I'm Dr. Colleen, and I'm so glad that you joined me today.
[00:00:13] In today's episode, I'm going to start an intermittent series on how to support your partner when they have certain emotional struggles in their life, like depression, anxiety, ADHD, and a few others. Just like the episodes when the questions are called [00:00:30] in, I'm going to unbox the topic at hand, and I'll talk about the different ways that that problem can present itself. I'll talk about how it can affect relationships, and I'll tell you what you can do about it and what you can't do about it, and also what you can expect your partner to do about it. I'm going to share how people take on that struggle in their relationship unsuccessfully and what they can do to handle that problem successfully I'll give you guidance on how to take care of yourself and what you can expect of a healthy [00:01:00] partner.
[00:01:02] I want to remind you that I want this to be the place where you get your relationship questions answered. I want to know where your relationship struggles are. do you have a pattern in your dating life that you want to change? Do you have a type that you want to get away from? Are you generally happy with your partner, but find that when you argue, it's always about the same thing? Do you love each other, but wish you had more sex? Or were you asked to try something but have [00:01:30] questions about it first?
[00:01:31] Whatever the question is, if it has to do with finding love and staying in love, this is the place for your question. to leave me your question, you go to loveunboxpodcast. com where you can leave me a voicemail. You record on your computer or on the website, just like you do any other phone message. You get five minutes to tell me. Everything you want me to know about your situation and how that problem is [00:02:00] affecting you, as you leave your question. It's kind of like the more information the better. The more information that you can leave me to help me understand how you experience your struggle, the better I can tailor the answer directly to you.
[00:02:15] so, that's loveunboxpodcast. com, but you know that because you're listening to the Love Unbox Podcast. So now we're going to get into the series. Today we're starting the series off with how to support your partner when [00:02:30] they are depressed.
[00:02:31] Let's get into it.
[00:02:34] I'm gonna start us off with the story of Sally and Johnny so that you can hear how depression affects this couple.
[00:02:43] Sally's in a new relationship with a guy she's really into. , his name is Johnny and Johnny is fun, ambitious, and he likes the same things that Sally does. Sally thinks Johnny's a great guy, and as she starts to get to know him better, Johnny shares with her [00:03:00] that he was diagnosed with depression some years ago.
[00:03:03] It's a surprise, Sally, because Johnny is a pretty happy go lucky guy and seemed content. He had a good life. He likes his family. Everything seemed to be kind of moving along in the right direction in life. So, she didn't know what to make of the idea that he was diagnosed with depression and goes through cycles of that.
[00:03:28] So she ends up thinking about [00:03:30] it and she tells him that she appreciates the heads up and hoped that he would continue to be open about it and she would do her best to try to understand and be supportive. Johnny tells her that he seems to manage it pretty well with medication, but there are times where he still ends up in a depressive episode, which at those times, he has a tendency to keep to himself.
[00:03:54] While he tries to deal with it on his own, sally was concerned about his [00:04:00] disclosure. You know, first off, she had never dated anyone who stated, you know, I have depression before, so she wasn't really sure what that would mean, but her alarms went off, and I'm going to talk to you guys a lot about.
[00:04:14] Okay. So, Sally's alarm rang softly, we'll say, when he said that, sometimes he still gets lost in his depression and pulls away and tries to deal with it himself. [00:04:30] She didn't really know much about dealing with depression, but she knew enough to know that that didn't sound like a good plan, and she figured that that might affect their relationship. But on the flip side, Sally was encouraged by the fact that she believed that based on how Johnny talked about it, he was pretty self aware and since he was open about it, she decided that she was going to move forward with the relationship, continue dating him and just kind of take things as they come. [00:05:00] And she figured that maybe Johnny would let her know when he was feeling depressed. She really didn't know how this was going to show up in their life.
[00:05:10] So they continue dating, and it's a year into the relationship, and Sally started noticing that Johnny no longer wanted to go to golf with his friends, And he seemed irritable, pretty often lately. Sally even started to question Johnny's interest in her because he seemed to be withdrawing. Things had been going great [00:05:30] with them.
[00:05:30] They had just hit their year milestone, and then all of a sudden she felt like Johnny started pulling away. So much so that he would become unresponsive to text messages. He might not even respond for a couple of days during the week when normally they were talking every day, probably in the morning and in the evening, you know, touching base with each other.
[00:05:58] They were at the point where they were [00:06:00] talking about living together. So they were really in communication pretty frequently. So, Johnny would just stop responding., So Sally worried about their relationship, really. She didn't think he was cheating on her or anything like that, but she was thinking, Like, wow, I wonder what's going on. There were even some weekends where he would just opt out of having plans with her altogether. And that's not how they were [00:06:30] normally living. So, this was a marked change in how their relationship looked. Sally started feeling really lonely and concerned about the change in Johnny. She hadn't quite put together that this is what his depression looked like. He had made the disclosure about the depression. A year ago, when they started dating, so it really wasn't at the forefront of her mind because they actually didn't talk about it much.
[00:06:59] [00:07:00] Left her own thoughts. She thought something was the matter in the relationship. She thought he wasn't into her and was pulling away. So she asked Johnny what was going on and his answer was a mixed response. You know, on one hand, he said, Oh, don't be silly. Of course, I'm into you.
[00:07:22] I'm totally into you. We're talking about moving in together.
[00:07:25] But on the other hand, he said, well, I [00:07:30] also told you that I get depressed sometimes, so I guess my depression is back. You know, I told you I just withdraw. This is just how I deal with it.
[00:07:40] Sally felt pretty helpless. She cared for him. She even loved him. She wanted to live with him, but she didn't like how she was just getting cut out of his existence while he was depressed.
[00:07:55] Depression, is a serious mental health condition that affects millions of people [00:08:00] worldwide. In fact, in the US upwards of 21 million adults have been diagnosed with depression, with women being diagnosed with it at a rate of two to one to men. But most experts believe the number could actually be higher because it's believed that, for as many women are being diagnosed with it, men are going unreported This is primarily because of how each gender typically expresses how they're [00:08:30] feeling and really what they do when they become depressed.
[00:08:34] Women typically feel and present as sad and seek out counseling. Men, on the other hand, are more like Johnny. They get withdrawn and present as angry or easily irritated, And they don't often seek out help at the same rate as women do.
[00:08:55] It can be difficult to understand and to cope with, especially when it affects your [00:09:00] partner. Depression can feel like a sneaky condition. It comes and goes. When a depressed mood takes hold of a person and they lose interest in things that they previously enjoyed and the mood lasts for more than two weeks, in addition to also meeting some other symptomatic criteria, we would diagnose that person as being in a depressive episode.
[00:09:24] Johnny demonstrated three primary markers for a depressive episode. He lost interest in the [00:09:30] activities that he previously enjoyed,
[00:09:33] And he developed a depressed affect. In Johnny's case, his depression presented as that more irritated or annoyed kind of mood. As I mentioned, that is more common in men. And then the third criteria is that he also withdrew from the people that he cared about.
[00:09:51] Some of the other criteria for diagnosing a depressive episode are having insomnia, or hypersomnia, [00:10:00] sleeping too much as opposed to not sleeping enough, a significant weight loss, or a gain. Some people stop eating when they get depressed, others just dive in and kind of emotionally soothe themselves. Recurrent thoughts of death or suicidal ideation. This would mean that they think about ending their life. They may or may not have a plan,
[00:10:26] And feelings of worthlessness is also another [00:10:30] symptomatic criteria for a depressive episode.
[00:10:34] And even though, many people have what we refer to as like biological depression. Some people experience depression in response to environmental stress.
[00:10:45] for instance, someone may get laid off from their job and they might find that the job search goes on longer than they expected, and they start losing a sense of hope. This hopelessness can affect how they feel about themselves, and this affects how they take care of [00:11:00] themselves.
[00:11:01] They then withdraw from their friends and their partner, and they find themselves At that point in a true depressive episode, and whether someone has biological depression or it is in response to environmental stressors, it is still treated relatively the same.
[00:11:20] The goal of treatment is to relieve the depression and have the person coping in healthy ways.
[00:11:27] When your partner [00:11:30] struggles with depression, it can be challenging to know how you can help. Certainly when our partner is depressed, we want to help them however we can. It's painful to see them in emotional pain.
[00:11:42] There really isn't a lot you can do to change how they're feeling, but there are some things that you can do to support your partner when they are going through a depressive episode.
[00:11:56] Number one, encourage them to seek professional help. [00:12:00] It's one of the most important things you can do. A mental health professional can provide your partner with the support and guidance they need to manage their symptoms.
[00:12:10] Number two, be patient and understanding. It can feel particularly strange or confusing to see your partner become depressed when you have a nice life together. and your partner may come from a loving family, have lots of family support, lots of friends, a good [00:12:30] career, and yet they still may get depressed. You don't need a reason to be depressed. As I mentioned before, many people have biological depression. It just happens. Their system goes askew and their mood gets depressed.
[00:12:51] And that's what we saw with Sally and Johnny. He wasn't responding to any environmental stressors and getting depressed. He [00:13:00] just kind of got hit with the change in the mood and how he was functioning.
[00:13:05] Number three, remember to take care of you as much as you want to take care of them during this time. Practicing self care is imperative when you are worried about your partner. Get out and do things that you enjoy. Get together with your friends. You can encourage your partner to do the same, but the problem at hand may [00:13:30] prevent them from doing that. So you need to still take care of your needs for enjoyment and connection with others.
[00:13:37] And my final recommendation is number four. Take emotional breaks from focusing on how your partner is doing. There are a couple of ways to do this. When interacting with your partner, I encourage you to have days where you are not specifically asking about their depression. Talk about anything else: a future trip. A call you [00:14:00] had with a friend. What's new at work. But not, how are you feeling today? How's your depression? Both you and your partner need a break. Also, be careful not to over invest in every nuance of their perceived emotional state or body language. When we are worried about our partner, It can be really tough to refrain from engaging in, are you okay types of questions.
[00:14:28] Try to avoid [00:14:30] that even without depression. We have moments where we may be processing an uncomfortable emotion that we don't need to express to our partner.,.
[00:14:39] Our own level of anxiety can be triggered during this time for many reasons.
[00:14:44] People who have their own history of trauma can get triggered during this time and then on the flip side, people who have had no experience with dealing with someone who is depressed or struggles with their mental [00:15:00] health, can be triggering.
[00:15:02] And then also, of course, your partner. Maybe they have a history of suicidal thinking or even an attempt in their history. This is where seeking out some therapy for yourself during this time can be so helpful.
[00:15:16] also take breaks when talking with friends as well. When we're worried about someone we love, a friend can just say, how's everything with Johnny? And that could open up a 20 [00:15:30] minute emotion filled verbal dumping of all of your stress. For as much as there is a time and a place for that with our friends, make sure that you're taking breaks to give yourself some emotional space from it.
[00:15:43] Plus our friends need a break from it as well, you know, they may check in with us, but if someone takes up the time that they're spending with each other, just to kind of constantly talk about what's going on with the friend's [00:16:00] partner, you know, it could start wearing on the friendship.
[00:16:04] Everybody needs a little emotional space from it from time to time. Supporting a partner with depression can be a challenging experience, but by educating yourself, listening, encouraging them to get professional help, being patient, and practicing self care, You can help your partner through their journey in and out of depressive episodes.
[00:16:27] It's important to keep in mind that although depression can be [00:16:30] difficult to get through, it is possible for your partner to regain their emotional health and happiness and lead a relatively stable existence. Long term treatment for depression is ongoing therapy and medication management.
[00:16:46] So that doesn't mean that they have to be on antidepressants their whole life. It means if they responded to certain medication during an episode in their history, more than likely that's going to be something that helps them as they [00:17:00] move through other depressive episodes in their life.
[00:17:03] And I say move through other depressive episodes in their life because depression is often cyclic.
[00:17:09] And if a person is diagnosed with major depressive disorder, they could have more episodes in the future.
[00:17:17] So depression can be difficult to get through, but it is possible for your partner to regain their emotional health and happiness.
[00:17:25] And I want you to also preserve yours at the same [00:17:30] time.
[00:17:36] This brings us to the ending of another Love Unboxed episode. Depression is unpredictable, but I hope that if you or your partner, I hope that you or your partner never have to experience it. But if you do, my wish is that this episode instills some hope that you can manage it if it ever shows up in your life. If you enjoyed this episode, [00:18:00] please tell a friend or leave a review wherever you are listening to it so that it moves up in the rankings.
[00:18:06] I'll take every notch I can get. When you hit subscribe, of course, you'll get notified when new episodes launch and I'd love as many subscribers, uh, As I can get as well. The episodes are coming out monthly right now,
[00:18:21] But as the show grows, I plan to produce more frequent episodes. So please subscribe if you are [00:18:30] inclined to.
[00:18:30] So don't forget to leave me a relationship question at loveunboxpodcast. com. I want to help you untangle some heartstrings. If you're on social media and you want to give me a follow, I'm on Instagram as Dr.
[00:18:47] Colleen Mullen and on TikTok at Love Unbox Podcast.
[00:18:53] Thank you for your time today and any way you may feel inclined to share the show or connect with me [00:19:00] on the socials.
[00:19:02] Until next time, to my fellow hopeful romantics out there, let's keep hope alive.