Are you dating someone’s potential instead of the reality sitting across from you? In this episode of Love, Unboxed, Dr. Colleen Mullen unpacks why smart, high-achieving women get stuck in “relationship mud,” holding out hope for partners who can’t or won’t meet them halfway. With personal stories, client insights, and five practical strategies, you’ll learn how to stop chasing potential and start building love on solid ground.
How to Stop Falling for Potential: 5 Ways to Avoid Relationship Mud
Have you ever stayed too long in a relationship because you believed in who your partner could be instead of who they were? You’re not alone. In this episode, Dr. Colleen Mullen explores the painful but common trap of “falling for potential”—and how to step out of it for good.
Drawing on personal experience, client stories, and research like Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love, Dr. Colleen explains why chasing chemistry and promise often blinds us to the reality in front of us. You’ll learn:
Why it’s easy to give great relationship advice to friends but ignore red flags in your own life
How to recognize when you’re stuck in “relationship mud”
Five strategies to reset your approach, including setting clear standards, walking away early, spotting love bombing, journaling for reality checks, and prioritizing compatibility over chemistry
Whether you’re dating, starting something new, or reflecting on past relationships, this episode is packed with insight and practical steps to help you choose better, sooner.
Resources Mentioned:
Mindful Reflections: A Daily Journal for Better Mental Health (Dr. Colleen’s guided journal)
Upcoming Dating Workshop- How to Date Differently (Nov 2025) — join the waitlist & my mailing list at DrColleenMullen.com
Episode Title: How to Stop Falling for Potential: 5 Ways to Avoid Getting Stuck in Relationship Mud
Podcast: Love, Unboxed: The Podcast for the Hopeful Romantic
Host: Dr. Colleen Mullen
[00:00:56] Dr. Colleen:
Hi, my fellow Hopeful Romantics. It's Dr. Colleen here, and thanks for joining me today. This is the place where I help you challenge, change, or extinguish those dilemmas that interfere in your love life.
Before we get into it, don’t forget—this podcast is all about you. If you’ve got a dating or relationship dilemma that weighs on you, head to loveunboxedpodcast.com and leave me a voicemail. I’d love to answer your question on an upcoming episode.
Today we’re diving into something that so many smart, intuitive, successful people—even therapists like me—struggle with: getting stuck in relationship mud. In other words, falling for a person’s potential rather than the person right in front of you.
[00:02:20] Listener Question from Matt:
"My question is this: how do you reality-check your own relationship while you’re in it? It’s easy to give friends great advice, but harder to apply that same logic when you’re the one in love. I’ve gotten lost in love at the beginning, only to realize later I wasn’t seeing things clearly."
[00:03:28] Dr. Colleen:
Thank you, Matt. That’s such a relatable question. You set it up beautifully, and I know so many listeners will resonate with it.
What you’re describing is what I call stepping in your own relationship mud. You can often see clearly what others should do, but when it’s your own relationship, it gets harder.
I’ve been there myself. In a past relationship, I stayed far too long because I believed in what my partner could be. He told me who he was, but my heart wanted to believe in who he might become.
The truth was, our visions for the future didn’t align. Deep down, I knew it, but I clung to the hope that love alone would bridge the gap. It didn’t. And when I finally let go, it opened the door to the healthiest relationship of my life.
I see this often with my clients—brilliant, accomplished women who hold out hope for relationships with partners who aren’t emotionally available, invested, or aligned with their values.
Research helps explain it. Dr. Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love says intimacy, passion, and commitment form the strongest bonds. But many of us chase passion and promise without assessing compatibility.
We get hooked on the potential—the “if only” version of a partner—while ignoring the reality sitting across from us.
Here’s how to step out of the mud and make better choices in love:
1. Get Clear on What You Want
You can’t hold someone accountable to standards you haven’t set. Be specific—do you want a partner who travels with you, supports your career, or checks in daily? Write it down. A University of Rochester study shows that people who set clear relationship goals enjoy stronger, more satisfying relationships.
2. Be Willing to Walk Away Early
People reveal who they are very quickly. Believe them. You don’t need months to know when values, goals, or behaviors don’t align. Protect yourself by leaving when you see the red flags.
3. Watch Out for Love Bombing
Excessive gifts, over-the-top compliments, or instant declarations of love might feel amazing, but they can be manipulation. A 2020 study on coercive control confirmed love bombing is often linked to emotionally unavailable or narcissistic partners.
4. Reality-Check Yourself
Are you focusing more on how you feel than how your partner actually shows up? Journal what’s happening—just the facts. For example: how they act on dates, how they handle conflict, how consistent they are. Don’t write what you hope is happening.
5. Know the Difference Between Chemistry and Compatibility
Chemistry is butterflies. Compatibility is shared values, communication, and consistency. Fireworks fade; compatibility sustains.
When you’re tempted to excuse someone’s behavior, ask yourself: If my best friend told me this story, what would I advise her? You already know the answer—you just need to apply it to yourself.
[00:22:30] Dr. Colleen (closing):
So let’s recap:
Name what you want and say it out loud.
Be ready to walk away early.
Avoid the love bombing.
Reality-check your experiences.
Prioritize compatibility over chemistry.
We’ve all stepped in our own relationship mud. The key is not to get stuck in it. Build on solid ground, not fantasy.
If this resonated with you, subscribe and leave me a voicemail with your own question at loveunboxedpodcast.com. And don’t forget to join my mailing list for updates on episodes, workshops, and my upcoming dating reset workshop this fall.
Until next time, keep hope alive—and keep your standards high.