How long should you wait to date after your divorce? Dr. Colleen takes this question on and gives you some things to think about to help you determine what is right for you.
Love Unboxed Podcast Show Notes: Episode 2 - How Soon After Divorce Should You Start Dating?
Welcome to Love Unboxed, the podcast for the hopeful romantic, hosted by Dr. Colleen Mullen, a therapist with over 20 years of experience.Dr. Colleen shares insights on finding and maintaining love based on her years of helping clients navigate relationships. Today's episode is a deep dive into the question: How soon after divorce should you start dating?
The Unboxing
The Hopeful Romantic Question of the Week
Dr. Colleen addresses the question: "How soon after you are divorced should you start dating?" This is a complex question with a complex answer. First, we'll review common reasons for divorcing and then Dr. Colleen shares some questions for you to answer.
Common Reasons for Divorce:
Understanding Your Readiness to Date
1. Reflect on the reasons behind your divorce. Do you know the reason? If not, why? Dr. Colleen provides some food for thought around communication struggles that can infiltrate a marriage.
2. Determine if you are emotionally available to date. What is your motive for jumping back into the dating pool. Be clear abotu this with your self and with the people you date. Be able to be O.K. with being alone. Be able to differentiate between being alone and being lonely.
3. We explore the impact of betrayal on a person. If you had an affair, do you know what was going on with you that you were able to step outside of your committment to your partner? If your partner had an affair, how did you process the betrayal, Is it resolved enough that you won't be leading with distrust or an expectation of betrayal in your next relationship?
Therapy is a great tool during this time. When you are trying to do things in your love life different than you have in the past, therapy can help becuase there will be some un-learning to do as you learn new ways to be. There can be so much growth in the area of self-awareness during a divorce. It's one of Dr. Colleen's favorite times to work with her clients - when they are getting in to, or out of a significant relationship.
Conclusion: Building a Strong Foundation
Building a relationship is like building the foundation of a house. There wont be any stability if your foundation is cracked, so take the time while you are divorcing to do the things that can help you look towards your future love life without emotional attachments in the past. Compares starting a relationship to building a house, emphasizing the need for a stable foundation.
LU Ep 2 - Am I Ready to Date After My Divorce?
[00:00:00] Do you still hold out hope for finding love or improving the love you have? Welcome to Love Unboxed, the podcast for the hopeful romantic. Your host is Dr. Colleen Mullen. She's been a therapist for over 20 years and a lifetime hopeful romantic. She's been helping her clients find love and stay in love.
And now she wants to share what she knows with you. Get ready folks, because today we're diving into a brand new unboxing adventure.
[00:00:40] Hello and welcome my fellow hopeful romantics. I hope you're having a great day. I know mine's been pretty good. I'm recording this on a day where I'm home alone and my sister's out at her program and my husband's out at [00:01:00] his job and I have some time to myself and I love taking that time to kind of regroup and refresh.
[00:01:08] So I've done some things for myself. And now I'm here to record, and I hope that whatever you're doing today There's some room in there just for you because no matter what stage of your relationship life you're in, you need to take care of you in order to even enjoy what you get to when you are with others.
[00:01:31] So as we get into this unboxing today, it is another complex topic, and before we get into the hopeful romantic question of the day, I want to remind you how you can get your question answered by me on the show. Just go to loveunboxedpodcast.com and click on the menu item that links to the SpeakPipe page.
[00:01:54] It'll say, ask Dr. Colleen your relationship question. And from there, you just leave me your question, just like a voicemail or an audio text. You get five whole minutes to give me all the details you think that I should know about your situation and ask the question. You don't have to identify yourself by name at all, but you can identify yourself if you like and give a first name and let me know where you're calling from as you leave me your question. Or you can just say, “Hey, Dr. [00:02:30] Colleen, what do you think about this?” And ask me the question.
Okay. And I'm just getting started here with the podcast. So this is officially episode number two. So, if you are returning because you already listened to episode one, thank you so much. And if you're checking it out for the first time, thanks for checking it out.
[00:02:52] And of course, if you like what you're hearing. Just subscribe to the show on whatever podcast app you're listening to it on, [00:03:00] and you will be sure to be informed of the new episodes as they drop each week. All right. We're just about to get into the unboxing. let's get into that unboxing right now.
The Hopeful Romantic Question of the Week!
Hi,
[00:03:27] Colleen. I have a question. How soon after you are divorced? Should you start dating?
Dr. Colleen’s Answer
How long should you wait to date after you divorce? So this is really kind of a trick question. It is really particular to the person and their situation. You know, we all know that some marriages have been over for a very long time before the divorce actually happens, and others have been initiated impulsively and sometimes seemingly out of the [00:04:00] blue, and then there's all manner of other emotional situations over time that happen that cause a divorce to take place.
[00:04:07] So, of course, the general answer to the question of how long should you wait to date after a divorce is, it depends. There really isn't a specific recommendation, but I'm not going to leave you with that vague comment because you're here for answers, and I will give you a more defined answer. So first up, I'm going to start out by giving you some of the predominant reasons why couples divorce And then I'm going to give you some questions to ask yourself.
[00:04:40] Now, I want you to understand the common causes of divorce for a couple of reasons. Number one is that I want to help normalize any feelings you might have of shame or guilt about your marriage ending. Sometimes it helps to know others had similar struggles. And two, [00:05:00] I want you to be aware of the issues so that you can address those things as needed if you experienced them.
[00:05:07] So you can try to avoid the same problems as you move forward. In future relationships. So let's get into it. One reason that couples divorce is that they have unrealistic expectations of what life was going to be like. Often, this can come to light when they start settling into life together post wedding.
[00:05:28] So many times, couples discover major differences in what they want their future to look like together that it shatters any versions in their head, which are usually created in an idealized version of the world. And so they, they bank on that in their mind. And you know, that's just not how everyday life is.
[00:05:49] Some things can be endearing when you first get together. And then it's that old thing is that it does start to weigh on you. And so it's not that you need to marry someone who is just [00:06:00] like you, you just need to be able to talk about the differences when they show up, when you don't, they can lead to patterns of unmet expectations.
[00:06:08] and a cycle of disappointment that happens after that. All right, and the next reason is that the couple will argue too frequently, and they argue differently. And really, it's arguing differently that is the reason that usually wears a couple out. If one person is animated and gets excited, you know, maybe they come from a family that yells at each other.
[00:06:32] And the other person might be more reserved, introverted, the quiet thinker kind of person, the person who avoids conflict. You know, those couples can have a really hard time hearing each other when they're upset. Now, these two people don't have to be destined for divorce. Um, their different styles can be managed, but they don't often manage them themselves without learning [00:07:00] some alternative ways to communicate with each other, even calm themselves down when they get into conversations that get out of control.
[00:07:06] A couple like this Could really stand to have some couples counseling and see how well they learn with someone who could maybe moderate the differences, help them understand the differences better and give them some new skills to communicate differently. And the next reason couples divorce is that they don't pay enough attention to each other.
[00:07:27] There was a study done some years ago by the Gottman Institute when they looked at couples that stayed together long term happily, couples that stayed together unhappily, because we know those couples exist, and couples who didn't stay together. So when they surveyed the people who didn't stay together, they found out that 86 percent of the people that responded mentioned that not getting enough attention from their partner was one of the critical marks for their divorce.
[00:07:58] Throughout the course of a day [00:08:00] together, there are lots of opportunities to pay attention to your partner, and I can't wait to discuss that more fully in another episode. But for today, just know that it's a crucial factor that can leave a lot of emotional cracks in a person's self esteem. And the last reason for divorce I'm going to mention today is substance abuse problems.
[00:08:19] And an odd thing to think about in those relationships is that unfortunately, due to the secretive or the isolative nature of what goes on with a couple when one person has a substance abuse problem or both, is that, um, Those relationships often outlive their expiration dates. I already know we have an episode coming up about being in a relationship with someone who struggles with a substance abuse problem, but for now, we are going to leave that as the last of some of the reasons why people end up divorced.
[00:08:55] Okay, so we have two high expectations, arguing frequently and [00:09:00] in different styles, not getting enough attention, and substance abuse struggles. Those are some of the prevalent reasons that divorces continue to happen at the rates that they do. A little fun fact is that here in the U. S., women tend to initiate divorce more frequently than men, and men are more likely the ones that will marry again and more quickly.
[00:09:22] And this happens even more so, especially if the man is in an older stage of life. I actually saw this play out in my own parents. Uh, they divorced after 35 torturous years of a dysfunctional marriage. And my father remarried about four years later. Of course, there are lots of sociological reasons why men tend to marry or partner up faster after a divorce, and I'll talk about that more in the extended episode.
[00:09:50] But, for now Let's get back into the topic at hand. Okay, so getting back into the present moment, figuring out if [00:10:00] you are ready to date after your divorce, I want you to do a deep dive into what you experienced. I would encourage you to take the blinders off of pain and shame that you may be carrying around and ask yourself some questions.
[00:10:14] And the first question I want you to ask yourself is, do you know what happened? Do you know why the marriage ended? If you're the person that initiated the divorce and were the one that left, maybe it's quite clear to you as to why it ended and you've got that issue locked down. However, if it was not clear to you, Maybe it came out of the blue.
[00:10:36] Maybe your partner just wouldn't give you a reason. I would want you to explore that a little bit more. Not that you should be able to go back to a disgruntled ex and get clarity. That's not what I want you to do. But I want you to look at communication problems. If you went through a relationship that got to marriage and then [00:11:00] sustained that for any length of time and then they just left without a reason, Was there avoidance going on in that relationship?
[00:11:08] Were they avoiding conflict? Was somebody avoiding conflict? Avoiding actual communicating? Uh, with the other one? Was somebody complacent? Did somebody feel a little bit of contempt or resentment towards the other? If you're going to have a different experience in the future, you need to know what the problem was in the past so that As I said, when it shows up, you can address it, but you have to be willing to walk away.
[00:11:36] Even if you've been dating three months, six months, a year, when a relationship killer from the past shows up, you have to be willing to detach from that new attachment. And I can't tell you how many times I'm in session with somebody and they can be in their twenties, they can be in their thirties, forties, fifties.
[00:11:57] It doesn't matter. And if they [00:12:00] start coming in and they're like, yeah, but I didn't feel really good after this interaction. And we look at it and then we go, okay, but what was okay about that for you? You know, I often get the response of, but it's been however long months, you know, it's been four months already, or it's been six months or even a year.
[00:12:19] I don't want to have to start over. And that usually, that thought of, I don't want to have to start over, usually finds a person just delayed in starting over. So you could shortcut it by exploring it now, figuring it out, and deciding what will work for you and what will not, and then following through on that.
[00:12:42] The next question I want you to be able to ask yourself and really know about yourself because it pertains to how emotionally available you might be is, what is your reason for dating now? If your divorce is not final yet and You're throwing [00:13:00] yourself back into the dating pool. Really understand how available you are.
[00:13:05] Most people are not a hundred percent, cannot be a hundred percent emotionally available while their divorce is still looming in the background. And. I get it. I know some divorces get dragged out. You can be a couple of years even out. Uh, I'm not saying for those people to wait it out, but also have other resources built into your life because you don't want to have the next.
[00:13:31] partner that you have be bonded with you because they were such a good support through your divorce. And I want you to have solid ground. I want you to know that you're with them, not because of what they can do for you in a crisis, but like for all the other times as well. We don't want the trauma bonds if we can avoid them.
[00:13:51] Many times people throw themselves back into dating because their friends are encouraging them. Or, they feel lonely. But I want you to [00:14:00] check the lonely feeling if that's the reason that you find yourself jumping back into dating. Many people confuse being alone with being lonely, and they don't always correlate and go together.
[00:14:12] If you are truly lonely, I'd recommend working on expanding your friend network and finding things that you enjoy doing, uh, before I ever encourage you to jump back into the dating pool. I'm not saying that you don't want to date while you're divorcing. Of course, right? If, if your divorce is stretching out a long time and you've been waiting and you truly are ready to date.
[00:14:36] Jump back in, but I am saying to make sure that you're in it for the right reasons. People don't often know how it is to be alone with themselves today. And if you've been partnered up in a marriage for any length of time, I want you to embrace and look forward to being okay with being alone. Alone does not always equate [00:15:00] with being lonely.
[00:15:00] It's important to be okay with being alone with yourself. Because you're not going to be able to clearly look at the person you're dating and see them for who they are if they're there just to help you not feel lonely. You don't have to rush in because you don't know what it's like to live on your own or you have been used to having someone in your corner, you know.
[00:15:27] It will be really good for you to understand yourself as you are in this next phase of your life and taking the time to make sure you're settled, to make sure the kids are settled and then find someone to bring in on the love side of things. In the meantime, strengthen the friendships that you have.
[00:15:48] Start finding ways to get together and socialize and get that need for closeness. And[00:16:00]
[00:16:04] the last thing I want you to look at if this pertains to you is that if your marriage ended because of an affair, you either need to look at why you engaged in it. If it was you that was participating in it and you would want to know what was happening for you at the time that emotional attention from another person was able to override your commitment to your partner.
[00:16:27] And on the other hand, if you were on the receiving end of the affair. How did you process that betrayal? If you feel like you were lost in the situation, but especially if you participated in an affair or you were betrayed by a partner who had an affair, it's a great time to get into therapy to help you understand a little bit more.
[00:16:51] of what may, if it was on your end, what you needed, or if it was on your partner's end, how do you not [00:17:00] carry that into your next relationship and start off anticipating the worst? Therapy with a licensed therapist can be so helpful during that time. It's actually one of my favorite times to work with a person when they're going through major life change.
[00:17:18] Often, it's Getting into or getting out of, uh, a long term relationship or a significant relationship for them. And that transition, when a person really embraces it, no matter what side of the split they were on, it can be a really wonderful time for them to figure out what they want their next chapter in life to look like.
[00:17:43] So, you know, we don't know what the future holds. So when you get an opportunity to understand it. Understand your past better. It will help you for the future. So the last comment I'll make on how long you should wait to date after going through your [00:18:00] divorce is that I just find that when people wait either themselves and wait for their own divorce to be final and or tell somebody else, Hey, you're super nice, but come to me after the divorce is final.
[00:18:12] This feels like you still have unfinished business. You get a better chance of getting what you want. So that's where I'm going to leave you starting your relationship is like building a foundation to a house and you won't be on stable ground if the foundation is cracked. It's best if you take some time to do some self examination now to understand yourself on a deeper level to best ensure your future will be free of emotional obligations to the past.
[00:18:46] As we get to the end of this episode of Love Unboxed. I want to share with you what I have going on behind the scenes. If you follow me on Instagram or TikTok, I'll be launching my Date of the Week series starting on [00:19:00] February 1st. I want to help you have intentional time together, whether you are three dates or five years in, or even longer.
[00:19:09] You can find me on Instagram. I'm at Dr. Colleen Mullin, and I'm on TikTok at Love Unbox Podcast. And on my Instagram, you'll also see the link in bio that takes you to all the different resources that I have to offer you.. And if you do join me on Instagram or follow me on TikTok, because you heard me talk about it here, let me know you're listening. Leave me a comment, send me a DM, whichever you like. And now we really are at the end. So from this Hopeful Romantic to you, until next time, let's keep hope alive.[00:21:00]